


Shining Bright And Pretty Light

by dreamingofdisaster



Series: Dizzy [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Homophobia, Humanstuck, M/M, Mental Health Issues, continuing series, dont worry your pretty little head, homophobic slur, mental health mention, some characters take awhile to appear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-03 16:59:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 37,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5299202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingofdisaster/pseuds/dreamingofdisaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life truly hadn’t been the same since the day Dave Strider’s brain decided to betray him. </p><p>He could remember the day completely, July 24th of last year. He could remember the time, right when he woke up in the AM. He could remember being able to see the day before and then the next, lights were too bright, and he was too dizzy to walk straight.</p><p>Eventually, he would learn that sunglasses would be his savior, but that day, all he could do is try not to panic with the confusion spreading through his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Introduction

Life truly hadn’t been the same since the day Dave Strider’s brain decided to betray him.

He could remember the day completely, July 24th of last year. He could remember the time, right when he woke up in the AM. He could remember being able to see the day before and then the next, lights were too bright, and he was too dizzy to walk straight.

Eventually, he would learn that sunglasses would be his savior, but that day, all he could do is try not to panic with the confusion spreading through his mind.

He tumbled out of bed that day with the immediate thought that he got up too fast, but it didn’t fade. The light coming in through the windows was startling, shining like diamonds, a kaleidoscope of colors drifting in and out of focus. He tried to ignore everything, and made his way down the (thankfully) dark hallway, towards the kitchen.

Water, he decided. It had to be the answer, right? Water was a cure-all. Maybe he had had a little too much mountain dew over the past few days, a little too much juice, not enough good old fashioned H2O.

Shakily, he filled a glass and first took a swig. More than a swig. The entire glass and no, nothing. What scared him most was that he wasn’t in pain. He didn’t have a headache, not like if he was hungover, or if something was wrong with his head. It was his eyes. Only his eyes.

The brightness in the room was too much, and it had never truly been bright in the apartment. Bro liked the dark, he had blackout curtains around the entire apartment for the most part, but still, that didn’t seem like enough. The small border of light around the edge of window was still too much, it was still too bright.

Dave’s eyes watered a little with the sight of kaleidoscope colors shimmering all around him, and the feeling of weightlessness, as if his feet weren’t touching the ground.

Slowly, he closed his damp eyes. Without seeing it, without knowing he was doing it, he sank slowly to the ground to touch the tile with his fingertips, trying to dig his nails into the grout to keep him from floating away.

“--ave? Dave, what are you doing?” The normal sarcasm was absent from Bro’s voice, and when Dave didn’t reply at first, it turned to slight panic. He was really panicking to use Dave’s real name. Rarely did that happen. Rarely did Bro even cut through his bullshit to speak coherent sentences most of the time.

“Dave, can you hear me?” Bro’s hand settled gently on Dave’s shoulder, snapping him from his momentary panic.

With his eyes open again, he realized the dizziness hadn’t subsided. His knuckles are white as he gripped the tile harder, slowly turning his eyes up to look at Bro kneeling in front of him. The light from the kitchen window was dancing all around Bro’s face, where his eyes were visible, his sunglasses absent from his face, Dave could see sparkles around his golden eyes. There were lights, flitting around Bro’s head like glitter, shining as the vertigo hit again and again and again and again, endlessly.

“...really dizzy,” Dave mumbled, his mouth suddenly dry.

“Dizzy?” Bro repeated, breathless. “What do you mean, dizzy?”

“I can’t see straight,” Dave closed his eyes again, tightly. “The lights are too bright and…”

In real time, Dave opens his eyes. Shifting his gaze to his bedroom window, which had two layers of curtains, blocking out the sun. It had been a little more than year since that day, that day when his brain decided to betray him.

People still thought he was faking it. When he fell asleep in class with the flickering lights going on and off for the projector, and when he had to wear his sunglasses in class every single day… God, people thought he was faking it. Faking the dizziness, faking the fainting--not sleeping, but fainting, he had soon found out from a doctor--it was impossible not to take it personally. People thought he was faking, how fucking dare they.

The hospital visits, the heart monitors, the recommendations from doctors… the list was endless and still, they knew very little about what was wrong with him. He needed salt, they said, to raise his blood pressure. He had no blood in his brain, they explained his brother. It was probably just anxiety, they said to him, condescendingly, continuing to say, but it doesn’t hurt to try something else.

And so they tried meditation, to urge slow, level breathing to force blood into his brain. Crystal healing, of all things, and incense. There was no real medicine for him, nothing that would work right for him, so the doctors recommended bull shit hippy medicine to try and help what science was already so perplexed over.

Dave sat up, forcing his frustration out of his head. School. He had to go to school, to focus on school. Or not. It’s not like he’d be able to focus with his dizziness so fucked up today. As always, he puts his dark aviators on and attempts to walk straight.

Good, good. Wait-- Oops.

He’d stumbled, nearly fallen, his vision going bananas for a split second before it slightly straightened out. Slightly. That was a laugh in itself.

He ignores the hoards of smuppets on his way to the kitchen, and on his way out the door a few minutes later. It was no use hiding out in his apartment when Bro would just be there to urge him to get to school. He’d been more adamant about that lately, for some reason. He had always urged Dave to go to school, but lately it was more so than before. Even when Dave couldn’t see, when the day was particularly hot or bright, when just stepping outside made it hard to keep from fainting, Bro all but kicked him out the door.

“School’s important, little man,” Bro had said, more than once. “Gotta get your diploma and shit.”

Dave clenches his jaw, remembering the conversation Bro had shared with him, about… how had it started? It was about school, and about how Bro didn’t have the chance to finish high school, his one true regret. No doubt it had started with Dave complaining about something. Bro loved to prove him wrong, make Dave regret the insensitive things he said.

As always, walking to school was a challenge, but the sun, thankfully, was behind his head. It made it for an easier walk than it could have been, as if Bro had somehow known years in advance that this problem would happen, and he had rented out an apartment in the prime placing for this exact reason. If Dave had had to walk towards the sun on his way to school, he probably would’ve fought Bro a little harder to drive him to school.

It was the first day of school, so, it was still warm. When the colder weather started around, Bro would probably reconsider. Maybe. Depended on the day. The cold would just build character or some other bullshit that Bro decided to spew.

If it weren’t for Dave’s dizziness, maybe he’d be a nicer person. Maybe he’d have more friends that would be willing to drive him to school. Not like he could learn to drive himself with this bullshit eyesight.

His lack of naps throughout the day just made him irritable, plus when his dizziness was worse on most days, it just made him irritable in general. It was stupid to try and pretend it didn’t bother him. It would bother anyone. The stupidest, dumbest thing that could ever result from this disability, is that it’s incurable. They don’t even know what it is. His life was fucked. Forever.

He kept walking through the halls, hardly even realizing he’d made it into the building. The dark shades made it easier to focus on what was in front of him, but only slightly. They didn’t cover his face completely, and so it made for strips of fluorescent light to barge in on his eyes’ personal space. It was very easy to start to lose consciousness just by walking.

Also, it was very easy to not notice where he was stepping, and walk a little too close to a short guy waving his hands a little too spastically. His shouting was obnoxious enough, but Dave paid very little mind to that. The thing that did get his attention, however, is the very distinct sensation of a hand smacking the side of his face, sending his glasses off and landing with a clatter on the floor. Would have been fine, had another asshole not come up and stepped right on his glasses. Breaking them in half, and shattering the already cracked lens.

“Jesus Christ, douchnozzle, watch where you’re going,” the small, black haired guy said to Dave, as if it hadn’t been this kid’s entire fault that his glasses were smashed in the first place.

Dave whips his head back towards the guy, his eyes narrowing into slits. He’d never seen this kid before, and Dave knew that it meant he was new to the school. If he knew what was good for him, he wouldn’t be caught dead making an enemy out of Dave fucking Strider.

“Wow, couldn’t see you. You’re a little small, nearly crushed you with my boot there,” Dave deadpanned. He was already tired, nearly ready to collapse right there in the middle of the hallway. He hardly had enough energy in himself to think of a good comeback. It came out forced, not enough sarcasm etched in his words.

The girl that he was with, Terezi, Dave realized, was frowning deeply. Once, they had been friends. Her eyes, as always, were looking off between where the two boys were facing each other.

“Terezi,” Dave acknowledges, not even bothering to pick up his destroyed sunglasses before he turns and keeps walking down the hall.

Briefly, he hears Terezi snap at the guy, but Dave was too dizzy to care about what she said to him. Too dizzy. Too tired. Too prone to passing out in class to care about anything at all. Hell knows he won’t be able to do any work in class today, not unless he gets a pair of sunglasses ASAP.

If anything, he should just turn around and walk right back home, right? Only there is the problem of the motherfucking sun right in his line of sight on the entire walk back. If he wasn’t dizzy before, he’d surely pass out the moment he steps outside.

Clenching his jaw a little more tightly than he usually does, he walks into homeroom and prays to every god he can think of that today won’t be terrible.

No dice.

His first period teacher decides that she’s going to flick the lights on and off about twelve times before settling on leaving them on.

Second period has a room filled with posters of a million different colors that make Dave’s head spin.

Third period is relatively normal, but the combination from the first two have already got him fainting throughout the entire period, so it’s pointless to pretend like nothing was wrong. Dave was sure that all the teachers were made aware of his disability, but since it was pretty obscure, he had thought it almost refreshing to note that this teacher was the only one as of yet to comment on his lack of focus throughout the class.

“Mr. Strider, are we sufficiently entertaining you to keep you from falling asleep? Or would the office be a better place for you to go?” Mr. Rennor snaps, smacking a yard stick on the end of the table to wake him up, or something. Really, it just made Dave more annoyed, however there was very little he could think of to make a good retort.

Mr. Rennor’s questions had sent a wave of snickers through the room, but it fell silent when Dave didn’t move.

“Strider, office, now,” Mr. Rennor enunciates, taping his makeshift cane with each word.

Slowly, Dave permitted a nod, and tried to rise to his feet. The moment he moved, the entire world shifted at once, making him stumble to the side.

“Mister--” a voice in the back of the room started, the moment Dave started to tilt. “He faints sometimes, he’s sick--”

Mr. Rennor seems to realize at that moment that, hey, this student is actually not well, and moves into action.

“Come on, son,” Mr. Rennor says softly reaching a hand towards him to grab his shoulder, “Let’s get you to the nurse.”

Dave is much too tired to complain.

Although going to the nurse would mean Bro would be called, Dave didn’t care. Right now, he was too busy trying not to faint to think about anything else. The lights were shattered into a million pieces all around him, stabbing daggers into his eyes that made him woozy, not full of pain. That was what killed him. If he went to the doctor, they asked what hurt. Nothing hurt. It was merely his sense of balance that was always, constantly, off-kilter.

A hand touches his shoulder, jolting Dave from the realm of unconsciousness. He’d been on the singular cot in the nurse’s room, all the lights turned off. Bro was sitting on the edge of said cot, watching Dave with this worried look that made his stomach turn.

“Where are your sunglasses?” Bro asks softly.

“Broken,” Dave shrugs, unsure of what else to say.

“You could have borrowed a pair of mine--” Bro starts, about to begin a stupid argument, Dave is sure.

“It happened at school,” Dave sighs, too exhausted to complain. “It was an accident, they got stepped on, blah blah blah…” he tries not to close his eyes. It’s really fucking hard to keep his brain from passing out again.

Bro sighs loudly, unable to argue, Dave is sure.

“C’mon, I’m takin’ you home,” Bro slaps Dave’s leg and stands up, fishing into his pockets for, unfortunately, a pair of triangle shades. They were cool and all, but Bro’s. It felt weird taking them, putting them on, like they didn’t belong there on his face.

Walking out felt worse than the walk of shame. It was hard enough being known as the kid with no parents, having been bullied for it throughout elementary and middle school, but now he was known for something else, something terrible that he couldn’t change.

To his friends, he argued that he was fine, it was simply an inconvenience that occasionally played out wrong. To his peers in that class, who had seen him nearly faint from just standing up, now they knew how much he struggled. They knew how hard it was to keep from fainting, his friends knew now that he was lying.

Moving down the hall and towards the entrance of the school again, this time behind the safety of a pair of dark shades, Dave could see the looks on his peers’ faces. He saw a few of his friends that made no move to talk to him: John, Rose, Kanaya, and others. His eyes nearly glanced over that small kid who smacked his face, but something made him look at him and stare for a solid second or two.

The look on his face, with his wild mane of a hairstyle, and his eyes that had held so much anger before… now, they had gone soft. This boy who was so angry at Dave before for merely existing now looked at him with a sign of pity.

By far, it was the worst thing that had happened that day.

God, strike me down before I hit this dude hard enough to wipe that pathetic look off his face.

Thankfully, or maybe not, God did not strike him down. Rather, Dave turned his head away, and kept on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first work on AO3! It's been awhile since I've read Homestuck, so apologies if I get any super specific canon wrong. If you have any burning questions, comments, or corrections, feel free to contact me.


	2. An Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a shorter one. Character introductions are always so slow, don't you think?

It was hard not to be pissed as all fuck with the general knowledge of Dave Strider’s existence as a human being. Karkat had to admit, the first time they met it was a little… rough going. With the whole, “knocking his sunglasses off his face and nearly killing him in the process”-type thing made it for an awkward first encounter.

Terezi had scolded him on a million and one occasions after that little mishap, telling him that, although Dave probably deserved to be pushed around once in awhile, he definitely did not deserve being thrust into the land of pain and almost-faint-ness. In so many words. Not to mention the fact that Karkat had actually caused the destruction of his sunglasses, which is pretty shitty, so he should probably apologize.

“Or, I could not do that,” he grumbles to himself, his lip curling in distaste. The last thing he wanted was an enemy, but apologizing didn’t seem very fun either.

When the next day rolled around, Karkat found himself looking for Dave. Or, more like jumping every time he thought he saw the blonde idiot. It would have been about ten thousand times easier if he hadn’t overheard John and Rose talking about how good Dave was at fighting, and how when he’s dizzy (which is usually), he gets irritable.

“Dammit,” Karkat mutters, seeing Dave turn the corner. “Douchelicking pile of…” He continues to mutter under his breath as he walks over to Dave, now pausing at a locker to shove his bag inside.

He was wearing a new pair of shades, aviators like the last ones. The blonde paid no mind to Karkat as he walked up to him, standing right by him and pausing for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” Karkat blurts out, a little too loudly.

Very slowly, Dave turns, and Karkat can’t help but flinch backwards. The blonde doesn’t react in anyway to the smaller one’s apology, at least not at first. As if he was seriously considering the creature in front of him.

“For what?” Dave asks, deadpanning again. Was he being serious? Did he not remember, or did he just want to torture Karkat some more?

“For hitting you yesterday, and making your glasses break.”

“Water under the bridge, bro,” Dave shakes his head, pulling the locker door closed.

Without another word the boy leaves, turning away from Karkat to continue down the hall. His words had an air of sarcasm around it, but also this sensation of not caring. It made Karkat frown, and narrow his eyes at the boy’s leaving back.

A burning frustration fills Karkat’s chest, although he was unsure of why he was feeling this way. Maybe it was because, despite knowing he had a disability, Karkat could only think of how much of a douche Strider looked while wearing those glasses. With his slumped shoulders and his few words, it was like he was trying way too hard to be cool. The jerk. The absolute, motherfucking ass-shitting bulgefuck. How dare he.

It was hard enough not to glare at Dave for the rest of the day from a distance, but now Karkat came to realize that they both shared friends. John, Rose, Kanaya, and even Terezi, were all friends with both Karkat and Dave. As if today couldn’t get any worse, Dave even had lunch with them, still wearing his sunglasses, as if he never took them off.

Dave had his cheek leaning into his hand, as if it took a good amount of effort to just keep his head up. If what Terezi said was true, that Dave fainted sometimes, maybe he was struggling to keep awake right now.

“Do you wear those things all the time?” Karkat snaps without meaning to, the words coming out of his mouth automatically. Beside Dave, John’s back straightens a little, eyes widening slightly with Karkat’s sudden question.

“Yup,” Dave says, head turning slightly so Karkat could tell that he was looking at him, giving him his full attention.

“Why?”

Again, the question slips between his lips before he can stop himself. John’s eyes even widen a little more, like he couldn’t believe Karkat’s confidence in asking so many questions in one go. It’s not like Karkat could help it. Whenever he asked the others what was up with Dave, all they said was they were too awkward to ask about it, and also that Dave just fainted ‘cause of lights sometimes. It was probably the most dumbass excuse for anything Karkat had ever heard before.

Rather than turn awkward or panicked like John was, the corners of Dave’s mouth tilted up ever so slightly before fading away altogether. Had no one ever questioned his actions before?

“Because it makes me the epitome of cool,” Dave replies with a smirk, starting to stand, of course just making Karkat frown at him.

 _He’s lying_ , Karkat couldn’t help but think, but this time refrained from letting the words burst out obnoxiously. It would probably be rude to continue to ask questions, despite seeing that Dave was noticeably uncomfortable with the attention.

Trying his hardest not to grumble, Karkat turns his head back to his tray and continues to eat his lunch. His cheeks were burning a little, which only made him even more angry and red once he realized.

At this school, it seemed like it was easy to make friends. He’d made so many in such a short amount of time that it almost seemed fake. The other kids had no idea that he was a foster kid, let alone that this was his sixth new school he was starting. Friends didn’t usually come so easily to him, but now, he had more than he had ever had before.

The first week passed in a breeze, most likely due to the sheer number of people who were making him feel welcome. He had made a friend in each one of his classes, and he became friends with more than his initial friend group had started out with.

Everyone seemed to be so happy at Trinity High. It was like magic, like nothing was wrong with anyone. They’d never known a suicide or a drunk driving accident, or gang violence or shootings or anything of the sort. It was a painfully normal high school, with painfully normal students, but it was definitely one thing that Karkat loved about the school itself. The normality of the entire place made it easy to fit in, easy to fabricate himself into the eleventh grade as one of them.

There was, however, the problem that was Dave Strider.  ****

He was not normal. And therefore… he was a force to be questioned. He was the only thing of genuine interest in the entire school, the only creature that stood apart from the rest.

Unable to stop himself from it, Karkat really started to wonder about Dave Strider, wondering what kind of expression he was making, always hidden behind those shades, wondering what exactly made him tick.

 


	3. A Conversation

Dave sat in the special education room with a laptop propped up in front of him. Unbeknownst to anyone that looked at him, his eyes were narrowed into slits as he attempted to read the words on the screen in front of him. It had only made him feel a burning kind of rage, deep in his chest, as he stared at the screen and saw the words jumble in and out of place.

It wasn’t like he was dyslexic, no. It was the light that the other kids in the room needed to see, where it made Dave practically blind from the amount of acid-like lights swirling around him. He tried, he really truly tried, for another fifteen minutes straight before he gave up, admitting to himself that he would get nowhere if all he was doing was trying to read one sentence over and over again.

Dizzy and ignoring it, Dave told Ms. Phillips he was going to the bathroom. One of the good things about this school was how free they let students roam, as if the teachers truly trusted them to go to the bathroom and come straight back.

Of course, Dave was not into the whole “school” thing right now. More specifically, the whole notion of reading and not passing out while doing it. It was easier to read at home, where the curtains blocked out any kind of sunlight and how the lights he did have were soft and yellow. At school, the lights were all bright and white and always flickering for some reason or another. Either because of asshole kids flickering the lights, or the teachers turning them on and off for the projector that Dave hated with a burning passion.

Rather than go back to class, Dave decides to go to his locker. What else could he do if he wasn’t going to class? Besides, there was about thirty minutes left of school anyway. Might as well waste time till the final bell rang.

Today was one of his bad days, as much as he wished he could ignore it. Not only was he dizzy, but a little more anxious and exhausted than other days before this one. It was the first day of the school year that he’d felt truly upset, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last.

Sighing softly, he opens the locker door and grabs the first thing he sees: a box of cigarettes, the lighter already in his pocket. Habit, distraction, escape from anxiety. If he had a joint it would have been better, the high cancelled out his dizziness, and made him see normal for once. It was a nice thought, but it would have to wait until he could either find someone to mooch off of, find someone to deal for him, or steal some weed from Bro’s stash. All were pretty unlikely, but it could be done. Probably not the last one, more likely the first two.

He stood there with his eyes trained at the canvas pockets of his backpack, counting the square stitching that traversed the length with no discernable mistakes.

If you opened my skull and looked inside, how many hiccups in the stitching would you see? The thought came to his mind before he could stop it, and it calmed him slightly, thinking of his brain like a strip of cloth. He hoped that everyone would have bumps, but maybe his would be the kind that you look at, and you see that something is off about it, but you can’t tell what exactly.

Sighing a little, he pulls his bag out, filling it with his needed school supplies for the weekend, and makes his way out of the building. Acting like he was meant to be doing exactly what he was doing, he walks out the front doors and starts walking home. His hands were deep in his pockets to retrieve the box of reds and his lighter, once he was safely distant from the eyes of the school.

“Can I bum one off of you?” A voice asks behind him, so suddenly that Dave realized he hadn’t been paying attention to the sound of footsteps behind him.

The voice makes him whip around, at once knowing that Bro would be outrageously disappointed in him, and even more so in seeing it was the small new kid. Karkat Vantas. The prick who had smacked his sunglasses off his face and made his first day back to school horrible.

“Sure,” Dave sighs, slowly his pace to a stop to light his own cigarette, and to offer one to Karkat as well.

With his first inhale, Dave felt better, but also interested in seeing how Karkat would handle the cancer stick. Sometimes when someone asked to bum one off of him, it was only to seem cool, when they didn’t actually smoke at all.

Karkat, however, seems to handle himself quite well. He inhales well enough, seeming to inhale it all down, letting it out again as he offers the lighter to Dave once more.

“Thanks, really fuckin’ needed this,” Karkat grins a gapped smile.

“Don’t mention it,” Dave mumbles, unable to voice his disappointment in seeing that Karkat could actually handle himself. Instead, he just pockets his lighter again and turns again to start walking down the sidewalk once more.

To Dave’s further dissatisfaction, Karkat follows behind him, which just makes his cigarette taste worse than usual. It tasted less like smoke and heat and more like anger and uneasiness. It was definitely not how a cigarette is supposed to feel, at least to Dave.

“Can I ask you a question?” Karkat asks, after another half minute of walking.

“Shoot,” Dave mutters, even though he couldn’t care less.

“Why do the others freak out if I ask questions about what’s going on with you? It’s like they don’t know how to talk about it, like you’re a fucking... pariah or some shit. No offense,” He offers the last part quickly, as if he truly didn’t want to offend Dave.

The question catches Dave off-guard, honestly. He truly hadn’t realized it before, how little people seem to care about his disability. Or, was it a lack of care? He wasn’t sure. He had an idea, but of course it wasn’t their fault, only his. Always his.

“I don’t talk about it,” Dave states simply, “so they learned not to ask about it.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“It’s hard.”

“Why?”

Dave stops dead, glaring at Karkat, who stops a few feet in front of him. Karkat was still sucking on the cigarette like he truly didn’t care, didn’t understand that asking questions was annoying. With Dave’s dropped hand, still clutching the lit cig, he didn’t feel like smoking anymore. All he wanted to do was get high because now, he was just feeling bad for himself, not only anxious. Because of that, however, it meant he shouldn’t. It was bad to feel like he needed to get high for some other reason than for his disability. It was definitely not a good idea to do that.

“I used to be… the best fighter,” Dave whispers, shaking his head a little. “My bro trained me, made me fight hard and be strong. I could defend anyone, anyone who needed it. I could break up any fight, no matter the weapons used.” It hurt to talk about it, so he takes a moment to collect himself, pulling on the cigarette to help calm his nerves. It had been so long since he spoke about his dizziness, so long since he even thought about the reason why he hated talking about it so specifically. There were a million reasons, but a few main ones that he rarely let out in the open.

“But now… I can hardly read. I can hardly walk. I can barely even raise my fists without having to look down and make sure my feet are actually on the ground--” He stops himself dead, not sure why he said that much.

“What does that mean?” Karkat frowns, one eyebrow moving down and the other staying still. His brown eyes were watching Dave with such attention that it makes him need to take another long drag again.

“It feels like I’m floating, like my feet aren’t touching the ground,” Dave says softly. “When I first realized what it was that I was feeling, I started grabbing people, just… gently touching their shirts or arm or backpack, whatever. I needed something to ground myself, but it felt too…” Dave trails off, unsure what it was exactly.

“Needy?” Karkat guesses.

“I guess.”

“I think they want to feel needed,” Karkat states, his voice unusually soft and kind sounding. Normally it was harsh and loud and he used too many confusing swears all in one go, but now… he was almost normal. Like a friend Dave desperately wanted, and felt like he hadn’t had in awhile.

The thought makes him angrily shove the cigarette between his lips and start walking again. It hurt to admit, but he’d been forcing his friends away the past year. He stopped grasping wildly for John’s arm or Rose’s backpack over a period of just a few weeks. He’d loosened his hold on all his friends who used to be such a big part of his life, but now… they had disappeared into the void that was high school. Best friends became friends became acquaintances became “just those people he ate lunch with”.

“Strider--” Karkat was saying, “mother of fuck, my legs are short, slow the ever loving fuck down--”

Dave did as he was told, mostly just because his legs were shaking, and it made it harder to feel out where he was going. It didn’t help that they were nearing his apartment building and Bro and more awkward silences, reasons for holding in his thoughts and feelings, no outlet for his anger.

Karkat puffs a few times on his cigarette before speaking, but Dave already knew what he was going to say, so he cut in.

“I know they want to feel needed,” Dave murmurs, fighting the feeling of swelling emotion in his chest. Too long had it been since he had had a heart to heart with someone, and it hurt to feel this raw, this quick. “But I don’t feel very needed, either.”

“Why the fuck not?” Karkat says the question fast, not meaning it to sound mean, Dave is sure. He’s starting to understand how Karkat’s mouth works now.

“They don’t invite me to parties, to hang out,” Dave shakes his head. “John and I used to have movie nights, watching the same movie over and over again for three weeks straight and… I haven’t seen him out of school in probably a year.” Dave gives a sad puff to his cigarette, turning his head down to the floor. “It’s three weeks into the school year and they’ve barely asked me how I am or what classes I’m in.”

“Maybe--” Karkat starts, but Dave interrupts, unable to stop himself.

“Save it, please,” Dave shakes his head, wishing Karkat could see the exhaustion in his eyes and know he really didn’t want to talk anymore. “If they really cared, they would have reached out by now. I’m too tired and too dizzy to pretend like you’re Rose and that you’re gonna tell me how to fix all this. I just… don’t care, okay?”

Dave shakes his head, popping the cancer stick once more between his lips as he turns away. This time, Karkat doesn’t try to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm counting on you guys to tell me if there are any spelling mistakes. I'm pretty much just skimming when I post this shit.


	4. You Got A Friend In Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying something new where Karkat and Dave /don't/ fucking hate each other's guts for like 20 chapters. I've seen a lot of fanfics do that, and while nice and all and totally canon or whatever, I'm too impatient.  
> So basically here we get to see more friendly-type shit between the two, plus glasses-less Dave (woo!)
> 
> Also, let me know if you see any stupid grammar mistakes or just shit that makes no sense. I wrote this and uploaded it in a hurry.

Karkat waits patiently at the door, bouncing up and down gently as he stands behind Rose and John. They recommended they be at the front, since Dave’s brother would know them, and probably actually smile when he opened the door.

From John’s stories, Karkat was expecting some ninja to come out of nowhere and beat them all into unconsciousness. Dave’s brother was probably not going to do that, but Karkat couldn’t help but feel like something like that would happen. Knowing Dave and knowing he was a good fighter… well, it didn’t help Karkat’s imagination whatsoever.

To get to this point, it had taken about two weeks. Two weeks of agony, in Karkat’s opinion, of yelling constantly because people were absolute shit at making plans. Everyone was always busy and studying and writing papers. Honestly.

Now, standing here, in front of Dave’s apartment door… Karkat wasn’t sure if it was worth it. He wouldn’t know until he saw Dave’s face, if Dave was even here or if he even wanted to see all his friends randomly showing up at his house all of a sudden.

The door opened, revealing a very tall man, wearing a pair of pajama pants and no shirt, as if he’d been home all day or sleeping for a majority of it. He was obviously Dave’s brother. He had the same blonde hair, the same chiseled bone structure that Dave had. Dirk was slightly taller than Dave, a little more filled out, and of course, older. Karkat couldn’t help but notice how much more filled out he was, very obviously muscular and nearing a six pack.

Blushing, Karkat glances slightly away.

“Long time no see!” Dirk exclaims, smiling at John and Rose, and the rest of them. Terezi, Kanaya, Sollux, and then Karkat. “Here to see Dave?”

“Yup! It’s movie night!” John replies with a grin in his voice, confidently stepping into the apartment when Dirk moves to the side. “Dave doesn’t know though, we came to surprise him.”

A small second of silence fills the air when the door closes, and Dirk walks past John again.

“Thanks for thinkin’ of him,” Dirk says on his way by, squeezing John’s shoulder once. “I’ll go get him for yah, I think he was sleeping.”

Karkat couldn’t help but notice the way Dirk had emotion filling his voice. A swelling in his voice that made Karkat realize how much this meant to Dave’s brother, for including him. Had he noticed how Dave had shut himself out from the world, as Karkat had noticed, too? Despite not knowing Dave for very long, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to see when someone was purposefully shutting themselves away.

The group of people settle themselves around the room. John, to the TV to get it all set up, Rose and Kanaya on the couch, and the rest of them scattered, either to get food or position themselves on the floor.

Karkat sits on the loveseat, trying to make it seem like he wasn’t eavesdropping on Dave and his brother as they talked. He’d heard Dirk knock on the door, and open it without waiting too long, telling Dave that his friends were here.

Dave mumbled something unintelligent, still sounding half asleep, or maybe it was just because he was far away, Karkat couldn’t understand him.

Dirk’s reply was just a laugh at first.

“C’mon little man, the blinds are closed and you’ll just be watching a movie. You can sleep later,” Dirk continued, a grin in his voice.

Seconds later another door closes, and Dave walks into the living room. Karkat is almost too surprised to say anything or react, only because Dave isn’t wearing his sunglasses.

Sure, Karkat had seen him without his glasses before, but that had been when he was pissed off, when Karkat had ruined his day. His eyes then had been harsh and cold and full of rage that was placed at Karkat himself. Karkat had reacted strongly back at Dave, only to make the anger seem somehow reasonable, to make Dave want to be angry with him.

It was stupid, now that Karkat really thought about it, but it didn’t matter now.

What mattered was Dave, and his glasses free face. Rather than angry, he just looked… sleepy. He’d just woken up, like Dirk had said, and Dave’s eyes were small and tired looking. His clothes, rumpled, and creased awkwardly, just made him look more relaxed.

Until his eyes shifted from seeing John at the TV, and connected to all the other souls in the room.

“What’s all this?” Dave asks the room, Karkat noticing a ghost of a smile pulling at his lips.

“Movie night!” John answers, jumping up from the floor with his wide, contagious grin that infects Dave immediately. “I brought Con Air--”

“No, absolutely not,” Dave shakes his head, pushing John aside. His smile had dissolved and it was replaced by a very real anger. They argue about it, back and forth, while Karkat stares at them in confusion.

“John loves the movie,” Terezi appears beside Karkat, moving to sit on the couch, “he made Dave watch it about a thousand times a couple summers ago.”

“So, he’s not really angry, only--” Karkat starts.

“No, I am really pissed,” Dave interrupts Karkat, pointing a finger at him. “I’m not watching this fucking movie again!” He whips back around to point the finger at John again.

“Daaaaave,” John whines, but he was still grinning.

“Please, let’s just watch the Hunger Games or some shit, okay?” Dave relaxes a bit, not as angry now, just trying not to start a real fight, Karkat is sure.

Reluctantly, John agrees, only requesting that Dave watch Con Air with him some other time, to which Dave promises that he would. Karkat couldn’t help but notice the look of joy in Dave’s eyes, normally hid by the sunglasses, he was an open book now.

Terezi gets up all of a sudden and goes over to the kitchen, banging things around for a bit before returning with a glass of water. It did not sound like that’s what she was getting, more like she was trying to star in a kitchen-appliance drum solo, but Karkat had learned not to question Terezi, or offer his help. She was definitely good at doing things on her own, and definitely did not like it when someone tried to help her.

When she returns, she plops right down in front of Karkat, leaning her head against his leg. He struggles not to laugh, and again when John and Dave start arguing about which Hunger Games movie to watch. It was hilarious, seeing Dave so animated, especially seeing him roll his eyes so many times in a row, and John just laughing in response.

Eventually, they agreed on the first movie of the Hunger Games franchise, which made sense considering a couple of the group hadn’t seen the movie yet.

When it came time for everyone to sit down and watch the movie, Dave ended up sitting right next to Karkat on the loveseat. Karkat didn’t want to comment on his closeness, or the fact that Dave had picked this seat over the perfectly good one beside Rose and Kanaya or, he didn’t know, anywhere else but beside him???

As if knowing what he was thinking about, as the movie started to play and John had dimmed the lights, Dave leans over to whisper in Karkat’s ear.

“If you think I was going to sit next to Rose and Kanaya, you’re dumber than you look,” Dave whispers, a smile in his voice. “Would you want to sit next to them making out the entire time?”

“I guess not,” Karkat smiles, glancing at Dave.

It was hard not to be surprised seeing Dave so happy. Being with friends for the first time in a long time, it had to be a great feeling. As shut in as Dave had been, now he had his friends to joke around with again.

The movie starts, with the introduction flashing words up on the screen, describing the origin of the Hunger Games. Karkat leans over and whispers the words to Terezi, who’d never seen (heard?) the movie before. She squeezes his leg in thanks after he finishes, settling back against the couch cushions to watch.

They all watch in silence, only occasionally making a sarcastic comment about the character’s clothing choices or what-have-you. It made the movie night definitely more interesting, even making them all laugh a couple times just by the sheer absurdity of some of the comments.

A few times throughout the movie, Karkat could feel Dave stiffen beside him. It was always when the camera shook a little too much, or a particularly bright light would flash across the screen. Glancing at Dave when it happened, Karkat could see his eyes narrowed into slits, as if he were staring into the sun.

Eyes moving downward, Karkat also saw Dave’s hands, clenched in his lap, fingers digging into his jeans. It reminded Karkat of their conversation two weeks ago, when Dave had stated how he needed to ground himself at times, when he would grasp at people’s shirts or backpacks to keep himself on the floor.

Before Karkat can voice any kind of worry for Dave’s eyesight, Dave gets up suddenly.

“Anyone want anything to drink or eat while I’m up?” He asks, moving away from the living room as a chorus of requests pop up.

“I’ll help you,” Karkat says, noticing the number of drinks and foodstuffs were many, a little too much for one person to carry.

They move into the kitchen, and the very moment that they’re out of earshot of the others, Karkat reaches out and touches Dave’s elbow.

“Are you okay?” He whispers, looking up at him, seeing his eyes eyes a little less narrowed, but still like he was far away.

“The flashing lights, the shaking camera,” Dave answers, shaking his head, “makes me really dizzy.”

He looks away, but Karkat doesn’t remove his hand from Dave’s elbow.

“Still feel like you’re floating?” Karkat asks, sighing a little when Dave nods. “You can always grab my arm, you know. I won’t mind. I’m sure the others wouldn’t either.”

Surprise fills Dave’s expression, and a silence not unlike the one they shared two weeks ago, when Karkat had guessed why Dave doesn’t accept help from the others. The only difference was this time, Dave doesn’t storm away angrily, rather, he nods gently, and slowly pulls away to start pouring drinks.

Returning again to the couch after distributing snacks, they sit down to watch the movie just as the game begins. They’ve been sitting for just thirty seconds before Katniss leaves the platform and kids start killing each other, the camera flashing between fight after fight after fight. The camera cutting with shaking transitions leave Dave hissing out a sigh beside Karkat.

It had Dave glancing away from the screen now, staring instead down at his hands in his lap. Karkat didn’t think very hard about what he would do next, instead he just did it, reaching over and taking Dave’s hand from his lap. Rather than hold it, which Karkat is sure would mortify Dave at least a little, Karkat places Dave’s hand on Karkat’s forearm. Karkat’s own hand rests on top of Dave’s, keeping it there so he knows it’s okay to leave it.

Dave’s fingers tighten and pull gently on the flesh of Karkat’s arm, nails digging into his skin. Thankfully, his nails weren’t very sharp or long, so they wouldn’t leave marks where Dave had dug them into Karkat’s skin.

Dave keeps his hand there for the remainder of the movie.

It was late, by the time the movie came to an end, and everyone started getting up to leave. There had been time between, where they got to talking and having fun. It was around ten o’clock, when Rose started voicing her thoughts about city mandated curfew in an hour.

Of course, grumbling their complaints, everyone moves to stand, a few hugging Dave on their way out and telling each other how much fun they had.

“Karks, you need a ride?” Kanaya asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I’m gonna walk, thanks,” Karkat shakes his head, and continues when she looks at him with another questioned look. “I live in a shitty apartment a block over,” he shrugs.

“Fair enough,” Kanaya shrugs, following Rose out.

The rest of them make their way out, and Karkat is about to follow them, when he feels a tug on his shirt, pulling him back.

The front door closes, and they’re alone, so Karkat doesn’t feel nervous about turning to look at Dave, and to actually talk to him in a normal speaking tone.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” Dave asks the silent air, his eyes soft, his breathing actually not level. He was anxious, it seemed.

“It was me that what?” Karkat unintentionally snaps with Dave’s vague question, but Dave doesn’t get angry himself.

“You who organized the movie night,” Dave specifies, raising his eyebrows a little. Had his eyes always held so much emotion, trapped behind those dark shades?

Karkat nods, unable to muster up any kind of swear in response. This conversation was Serious and Dave was too… something to break this state.

“Why would you do that?” Dave breathes out the question, his shoulders dropping.

“You wanted your fucking friends back,” Karkat replies. Now, okay, he was getting a little angry, merely because Dave didn’t seem to realize how important he is to his friends, nor how important his friends are to him. “You’re an idiotic dickwad who doesn’t want to need anyone, but, motherfucking newsflash: everyone needs someone, you idiotic fucking scumbag.”

Dave laughs, a shit-eating grin on his face with his eyes crinkling up at the corners. The entire night he hadn’t worn his sunglasses, and every expression he had made was visible. It seemed so fake, like they were actually friends or something. Karkat hated to admit how much he liked seeing Dave smile and laugh, and his reddish-brown eyes that seemed to shine even in the darkness.

“Anyway, I better get going, I have stuff to do tomorrow,” Karkat says, rolling his eyes a little. He starts to turn, but then thinks better of it, and says as a parting farewell: “You know, you can always grab my arm if you need it. Even in school. I’ll always be there as a handhold for you when you’re floating away.”

Dave hesitates, more emotions filling his face that Karkat hadn’t seen before. Hoping he didn’t think it was corny or gay or something he could classify kindness as, Karkat gives a little smile and turns to walk away.

“Thank you,” Dave speaks up quickly, as Karkat reaches the door.

“Don’t mention it, shitsponge,” Karkat grins, leaving the door just slow enough to see Dave grinning back at him.

 


	5. Dizzy Spell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry these chapters are so short. I just like jumping between POVs so much that I don't feel like switching it in the chapter, but make a new chapter about that POV. Hope it's not too annoying?

Dave spent the night trying to urge himself to go back to sleep. He slept for a few minutes at a time before something woke him up. A nightmare. Being thirsty. Having to go to the bathroom. Nightmare. Peeing again. A loud noise outside. Peeing. Nightmare.

It was usually the peeing. Always at four am, and then after that, who knew. It was a side effect from his brain being stupid. They said it would happen, and it was nothing to worry about. But, you know, being dizzy 24/7 was apparently no cause for alarm. Whatever.

Now the nightmares, that was debatable, and it was also cause for discussion whether the dreams could be considered nightmares at all. They were strange, certainly, which was reason in itself to be confused by them, but when they turned towards ultimately confusing to the point of being Dali or Magritte level strange… it turned into what Dave considered to be a nightmare. Confusion was a nightmare, plain and simple.

At times he would twitch in his sleep or talk in his sleep, sometimes loud enough that it caused Bro to come into his room and tell him to shut up. Even the twitching sometimes. If he moved too much or hit the wall or something. He did strange things in his sleep, and he couldn’t help it. Who could, right?

Different from many other teenage boys, Dave liked having light on during the nights. Usually in the form of string lights tacked all around his ceiling. If it was too dark, he didn’t know whether his eyes were open or closed, and combined with the dizziness, the feeling of floating… it was terrifying. It made him too anxious in such a short amount of time that he did all he could not to be in that position ever.

Thankfully, few people invited him over for sleepovers nowadays. Maybe if he’d been younger when his dizziness started, he wouldn’t have many friends now. His peers would have bullied him more, especially about needing a light on at night, not just about not having parents.

Finally he decided it was time to get up.

He wasn’t as tired as he should have been, and strangely, he wasn’t nearly as dizzy as usual. Throughout the day it would most likely change, but at the moment he was fine and ready to face the day at hand.

Maybe the salty food is working? He wonders, thinking about the salt he spreads all over everything he eats. Salty food, salty food. It wasn’t his favorite thing in the world, but it was better than something else, like swallowing ten types of pills every night or going to the hospital for extended visits.

He’d definitely noticed a change with the salty food, something good that was happening. Less days where he was constantly dizzy, and more like it was sporadic, different groupings of days where his brain decided to shit on his life and other days where it decided to be his friend.

Walking through the halls of the school, he almost didn’t want to use his sunglasses. He almost felt normal, if he could even use such a word. There was only a slight dip in his vision, only a very small sense of vertigo.

But then.

It hit him like a brick wall.

Three hours. Three hours of peace, of normality. And then… he couldn’t even see. The world shifted in front of his very eyes, and very quickly he stumbles over to a wall and holds on for his dear life. He prays it ends quickly, but his first thought, is not that he wanted it to end, he just hopes he doesn’t faint in front of everyone.

It had never been like this before. Never had it been so harsh, so immediate, with no warning whatsoever.

“Dave?” A hand touches his shoulder, his cheek. “Are you okay?”

Was that Rose, right in front of him? It had to be, he could just make out her blonde hair and bright eyes. Her face was pinched with worry, a slight bit of confusion as well. Had he ever acted like this in school, in front of his friends? Had they ever seen him afraid and in pain? Did they even know what emotion that was on his face? Could they even tell, with the dark glasses hiding his expression?

Dave tries to nod, but it shakes the world too much and all he can do is lean his head into the wall, something that was still and cemented into the ground to keep himself from dropping to the floor. He was breathing hard and clenching his arm with one hand.

“Let’s go to the nurse, okay?” Rose tries, her hands gently pulling on his hand that was clenched onto his own arm.

“No, no,” Dave shakes his head, refusing to move.

They’ll only make Bro come and pick him up. No one knows what’s wrong with him, no one can do anything for him but send him home and turn off the lights. But even that isn’t enough. All the salt in the world couldn’t fix him, it would just make his dizziness fade away like the shore before a tsunami. Sure, the sea recedes to reveal all the pretty shells, but in an instant, a giant fucking wave comes and kills all the people scrambling for the treasures.

Very slowly, Dave sinks to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself. He expected Rose to come sit down in front of him, to talk out his issues like she used to. She would psychoanalyze him, like the old days when they always talked and IMed.

She doesn’t do that. Instead, she sighs. And she walks away.


	6. Friend of a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried holding this chapter from you as long as I could... I know I hate cliffhangers, but it makes you really want to read more, right?  
> Anyway.

Karkat watched Dave fall apart as Rose walked away. He’d seen Dave stop and look pained, swaying a little as he clawed for the wall nearby. He’d watched as Rose tried to help him, but when he refused, Karkat couldn’t help but be a bit angry. Or a lot angry.

“What the writhing kringlefuck is your problem you braindead assfairy?” Karkat couldn’t help but explode at Dave, the very moment he stepped up to the plate.

Dave looks up at him, his mouth slightly open with his labored breathing.

“Leave me alone,” Dave whispers, all the sarcasm gone from his voice. He was simply exhausted.

“Rose wanted to help you,” Karkat shakes his head, refusing to acknowledge Dave’s request. “Why do you keep pushing people away, you moronic ass?”

Dave staggers to his feet, his mouth tightened into a hard line.

“You will never have any idea what I am going through,” Dave hisses, his voice becoming dark and hollow. “I am trying, but it’s really hard when people keep walking away anyway.”

“They’re still your friends,” Karkat insists, “you need to make the first move, to tell them you still want them in your life.”

“That’s not how it works,” Dave whispers.

“The hell it does--”

“I pushed them away,” Dave interrupts. “It’s my fault they not my friends, and I can respect that. You should follow their example, bro.”

Dave gives a hiss of breath out his lips before he turns and walks away, leaving Karkat seething by himself.

How could he be so stupid? Karkat wonders, grinding his teeth as he stomps away. The lanky boy had just made him more angry, when they had at least been on good terms before. Now that was over, all because Dave didn’t want friends? Fucking bull shit. Everyone needs friends. Even Dave. Especially Dave.

Still grumbling under his breath, Karkat goes to class, trying his hardest to ignore Rose’s gaze on him as he sits in his seat. She even moves to sit beside him, but stays silent until the teacher tells them to work in groups on a packet of study guide questions.

“Guessing your conversation didn’t go too well?” Rose says quietly, turning to face him while writing her name on the top of the first page.

“I have nothing to say about that pathetic bulgestench and I don’t want to think about him anymore,” Karkat replies, clenching his jaw tightly on the final word. He turns his head down to look at the packet.

Rose is quiet for all of two seconds.

“Ever wonder why he keeps pushing us away?” She sounds hurt, like she honestly doesn’t understand. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out, how could she not know? Maybe she did know, and was testing him.

“Number one; what good leadership qualities did the men on the railroad possess--” Karkat starts reading, but doesn’t get to finish because Rose interrupts.

“You know?” Her gasp makes him pause, but stay silent. “You’ve talked to him?”

Karkat lets out a slow sigh, knowing he can’t keep it in forever.

“From what I’ve heard, it’s a lot more than you guys have done for him,” Karkat whispers, unable to look up at her face.

“We had that movie night--”

“I told John to set it up,” Karkat admits, “I told him to tell everyone it was his idea.”

Rose stares at Karkat, silent so long that Karkat finally turns his eyes up to look at her, face thoughtful. She sighs, at last, turning her head down now.

“He was never very good at talking to people,” Rose whispers.

“That’s not my fucking fault--”

“Did I say it was? You didn’t let me finish,” Rose interrupts back, frowning. She waits for a second to see if he’ll reply, but when he doesn’t, she continues. “He was never very good at talking to people, but for some reason, he talks to you.”

“‘Cause I’m the dumbass who doesn’t leave him alone,” Karkat answers her unasked question.

“I think he’s scared, Karkat,” Rose whispers.

“Why you say that?”

“He doesn’t want people to leave him, so he pushes them away before we get the chance to decide to leave on our own,” Rose smiles sadly, her voice really soft and full of this kind of emotion that makes Karkat think she’s about to start crying. It doesn’t help with the next thing she says.

“You know, his parents died when he was really young, and his brother adopted him so he could make sure that he could take care of him,” Rose shakes her head gently. “But he leaves a lot, or he used to. For weeks sometimes, doing something, working or whatever. So, Dave would be alone and I guess…” She trails off.

“He just got used to it?” Karkat guesses.

“Mmhm,” Rose nods.

Karkat feels himself sigh, and again as he places his head into his hands. He could feel himself caring again, especially now that he heard more about Dave Strider and his epically lonely life. It made Karkat think about his own life and hate Dave so much more, but to a point where he cared more about Dave’s well being than his own.

“I’ll talk to him,” Karkat whispers, “I’ll be his friend again.”

“I will, too,” Rose nods, another sad smile in her voice.


	7. No Matter What.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty much updating everyday now. I try to space the chapters out a bit, but I like writing this so much that I'm writing about 2k words every day. I'm sure you guys aren't disappointed in that. 
> 
> Enjoy a little heart to heart between bro and dave. again, not really sure how to write bro. i don't like it when fics write him as almost... abusive? like he doesn't care /at all/. So I really tried to write him as a legitimate older brother, who grew up as a parent, who really wants what's best for his lil bro... you know? hope you guys see what im trying to get at. maybe it's different from canon or whatever, but this is an au, so it doesn't matter.

Dave gets to his feet, only to drop immediately to the floor. The world was spinning, spinning, a thousand times a second. His legs had given up and refused to cooperate, leaving him facedown on the carpet.

It had happened before, he wasn’t so unnerved by it. He knew he had to wait for the spasms to pass, he had to be patient and wait for his brain to return control of his limbs. It could take minutes, or hours if he fell unconscious again. In this case, it happened to be the latter.

“Hey, Dave,” a voice whispers, a hand touching the spot between his shoulder blades.

It took him a moment to hear the voice, to realize it was talking to him. When he did finally understand it, he jumped a little, moving to sit up. In front of him sat Bro, his hand still on Dave’s shoulder, squeezing tight.

“I fainted,” Dave whispers.

“Did you hit your head? Are you okay?” Bro asks, touching Dave’s cheek and generally babying him. It felt nice to be cared about, as much as Dave hated to admit.

“I didn’t; I’m okay,” Dave shakes his head, allowing himself to be helped to his feet, and pulled toward the kitchen.

Bro insisted on making him food, which ended up being microwaved, leftover pizza. Not that Dave was complaining or anything. As Dave ate, he couldn’t help but notice how quiet Bro was being, only sitting across from him at the table, staring at him silently.

Dave looks up at him, and it takes Bro that look to finally speak up.

“I think I should take you to the doctor again,” Bro says softly.

“They can’t do anything,” Dave shakes his head, shoulders deflating. “They think I’m faking.”

“Is the salt working at least?” Bro asks with a sigh.

“Somewhat,” Dave shrugs.

Dave wants to roll his eyes or complain, but he couldn't. Bro was trying his hardest to understand and to help. When one of Dave's doctors finally suggested dousing everything with salt to get his blood pressure up, Bro was ecstatic. He bought soy sauce and bags of salt. He bought the biggest thing of fries he could at Mickey D's and told them to put extra salt on it... Dave knew he was trying hard. That's what mattered, that Dave was capable of getting past his problems.

Bro stays silent for another few seconds, contemplating something. His face lets this look out, this despair that Dave doesn’t like seeing. The emotion that crosses Bro’s face pushes him to rub his hand over his face, and through his hair. He looked so pained, but Dave didn’t know why. He suspected it had something to do with him, at least.

“Why don’t we talk anymore?” Bro asks softly, much too kindly. It was so different from how Dave had always perceived his brother. It almost seems like a joke, him asking a question like that.

“We’re talking now.”

“You know what I mean,” Bro insists, pausing. His next question sets Dave’s teeth on edge. “Are you okay?”

“The fuck I am,” Dave mumbles, biting his bottom lip.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know how you are or you don’t know how to answer?”

“Both.”

Dave moves his mouth into a frown, clenching his jaw tightly. He didn’t like this, none of this personal bull shit. He’d never had a heart to heart with his bro before, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it, especially when talking about his feelings. It almost hurt to think about it.

Bro gets up from his seat across from Dave and moves to the place directly beside him, a hand reaching out to touch Dave’s shoulder.

“What’s goin’ on, little man?” Bro speaks softly, squeezing his shoulder once. “Hm?” He asks, shaking his shoulder a little.

“You know I love you, right?” Bro asks, when Dave doesn’t say anything. “I know something is goin’ on, even if you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay.” He pauses, as if to give Dave the chance to cut in if he wants to. Dave doesn’t, so Bro keeps talking. “Look, I know that… things haven’t been the best. I have to leave for work all the time, so I can’t be’round to take care of you--”

“I never cared about that,” Dave whispers, interrupting, shaking his head. “I never cared because you always said you liked working, so I never…”

“You get kinda lonely, dontcha?” Bro guesses, sighing again when Dave doesn’t say anything again, when he doesn’t even look up. “You’re such a good kid,” Bro whispers, which makes Dave look up in confusion, “You should spend more time with your friends, not just wait around for me to come home again.”

Dave frowns and looks away again. Bro pulls his hand away from Dave’s shoulder finally, instead resting his elbow on the table, his chin in his hand.

“That Karkat fella looks interesting enough, is he new to yer school?”

Dave nods.

“Pretty cute too, he seems to like you,” Bro says it almost offhandedly, but it’s just abrupt enough that it gets Dave to blush.

“I don’t know about that,” Dave shakes his head, unable to forget how both Karkat and Rose had just walked off without another word. It was all his fault, they would never forgive him for pushing them away.

“Him being cute, or him liking you?”

“Liking me,” Dave shrugs.

“Oh, please,” Bro rolls his eyes. “How could he not?”

Before Dave can expel any number of the reasons he could think of, a sharp rap on the door sounds. Without thinking too hard about it, Dave knew it was Jake English, Bro’s boyfriend. They’d been dating for years, but because of Jake’s job and the fact that Bro was still living with Dave, who was still in high school, they had agreed to wait to move in together.

That didn’t mean, however, that Jake wasn’t constantly coming over to visit.

Dave reaches for his pizza again, taking small bites while Bro goes to let Jake in.

“I lost my key,” Jake laughs when Bro greets him.

Dave takes care to ignore their conversation, them talking and kissing hello and whatever else they were doing. He briefly shares a greeting with Jake as Dave walks over to throw away his paper plate into the trash, telling Bro he’s going to go to John’s, since they have a project due in English.

That, of course, was a lie.

He instead walks the few blocks to a playground, ignoring the cold which was quickly sapping the heat from his bones and leaving him shivering into his jacket. The obvious choice was to smoke, and he does so while sitting on a swing, not trying very hard to keep still.

He gets through about half the pack before realizing how hollow he feels.

He wanted his friends back. Why was he so bad at talking? Why couldn’t he just tell everyone everything, and make them understand how he feels?

Pushing gently against the dirt to make the swing move, he wonders what he would say to his friends in order to apologize, if he could ever gather the courage to do so. How would he start? Would it just be to one person at a time, or all of them at once?

Frowning, he looks down at his feet, digging into the cold, nearly frozen wood chips. It was quiet here, save the occasional sound of Dave’s shoes scraping against the ground, and the creaking of the metal chains. From a distance he could hear laughing, talking. It was far away, but the pain was still there, whoever it was was having fun, a good time. And here was Dave, alone at three o’clock in the afternoon, swinging on a playground. Alone being the operative word here.

The talking gets louder, and Dave realizes school must have just got out. Who would come through here, anyone he knew?

Footsteps sound, and come closer. The crunching of soft feet over leaves and wood chips, and gentle breathing that was ever so quiet.

“You weren’t in school today,” a familiar voice says, causing Dave to turn his head up.

He should have expected it to be Rose. She always seemed to find him at the worst of times.

“I fainted really bad,” Dave says with a shrug, leaning over to extinguish his cigarette in the dirt tread at his feet. “I slept through school,” he adds, dropping his hands into his lap as he sits up straight again.

“Why come here then?” Rose shakes her head a little.

“I just love the atmosphere,” Dave tries, but Rose sees through his forced smile, and gives him a look. “Jake came home, so I didn’t want to bother them catching up.”

“They’re still dating?” Rose asks, walking over to the swing beside him without another thought.

“Oh yeah,” Dave nods, smiling. “I feel bad about…” Dave starts, but trails off when he realizes he feels bad about a lot of things.

“What do you feel bad about?”

“So many things, Rose,” Dave whispers, glancing at her. His smile had faded when he had trailed off. “I’m sorry for not letting you bring me to the nurse the other day.” He can’t help glance away again. It was hard apologizing.

“I accept your apology, but… why wouldn’t you let me take you?”

“They’d just send me home,” Dave looks back at her, his eyebrows popping up over the tops of his sunglasses. “Nobody knows what’s wrong with me, so whenever something goes wrong, it’s usually just ‘call me in two weeks if it gets worse’ or ‘we’re sending you home to rest’ or ‘here try this new thing we probably think will work but will actually make it worse.’”

Dave sighs, breathing kind of hard with all the words he spouted on barely one breath. It was more words than he had said to Rose in a long time.

“I’ll never be normal again,” Dave murmurs, shaking his head. “I’m just trying so hard to try to function like a normal person, but sometimes it’s hard enough to just get out of bed in the morning without falling flat on my face twelve times.”

“You seem like you’re doing a great job.”

“B-but I’m alone,” Dave mumbles, dropping his head a little to stare into his lap where he clutches the box of cigarettes still. He flips the top open and closed and open again, counting the number of sticks left: just two.

“You’re never alone, Dave,” Rose insists, pulling herself closer while still on the swing so she can actually reach out and touch his arm. “You never were, okay? We’re all still your friends.”

“I pushed you all away and--”

“Dave, it’s okay,” Rose whispers, squeezing his arm tightly. “We’ll always be friends. You’ve just had a hard time, and we want to be there for you, alright?”

Dave nods quickly, trying not to let the emotion, bubbling in his chest, get out of control.

"Being a friend means that we'll forgive you, no matter what," Rose continues. "We're here for you, no matter what."

Dave nods again, repeating the words over and over again in his mind.

_No matter what. No matter what. No matter what._


	8. Another Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long! I have finals coming up so I'm swamped with work (cries for ten thousand years)  
> I have the next couple chapters written, I just needed to check if this chapter had exactly what I wanted it to, as well as knowing that this chapter could be continued... if that makes sense. Basically: I needed to know that what happens in this chapter should happen in the chapter, so I wouldn't get frustrated and want to change things later. Yes. Okay. Enjoy.

All Karkat could think about all day was being able to go home and sleep. He’d been up all night, anxious, unable to calm down enough to actually let his body relax and rest for the night. It made him irritable, it made him more quick tempered than normal. His dark circles under his eyes were a little darker than normal, his face a little more pale than what he usually looked like.

The day just seemed to pass by so fucking slowly.

He supposed it didn’t help that he could hardly understand people with how tired he was. Words just seemed to garble together and he had to ask everyone to repeat themselves twelve times. It was annoying as hell, and all he could do was try not to pass out in the middle of class when the teacher was being particularly boring.

By the end of the day, he nearly fell asleep just standing at his locker. He was small enough, surely he could just wiggle his way inside the locker and shut the door, and sleep for the rest of his life instead?

A hand touching his arm shakes him from his thoughts, and he turns his head to see Dave, standing so close to him, and his mouth pressed into a hard line.

“I’m sorry,” Dave says, his voice in a whisper as he drops his hand from Karkat’s arm. “I’m sorry for pushing you away, and I realize that you were just trying to help.”

“I forgive you,” Karkat shrugs, swinging his backpack on his back. “I’m sorry for not being understanding of your problems.”

Dave shrugs in reply, walking beside Karkat as they both walk towards the exit. The walk is silent at first, with Dave suddenly reaching into his pocket for his phone for a rapid-fire texting session. After another minute he sighs kind of loudly.

“Rose is forcing a movie night tonight,” Dave tells Karkat, probably the reason for him sighing. “At her place, everyone is invited.”

Karkat nods, rubbing an eye and only half listening.

“Are you going to go?” Dave asks, and Karkat shrugs.

“Not sure,” Karkat offers quietly.

Karkat is stopping suddenly when Dave does, a hand being placed on his arm to physically stop him from walking any further.

“What’s wrong?” Dave asks. “You’re not swearing or yelling or anything.”

“Just really tired,” Karkat shrugs again. “I want to go, but I know with all those people I’ll just feel even more tired.”

“It’s not for a few hours, you can always take a nap or something before,” Dave smirks a little, and Karkat can’t help but wish that it was just the two of them watching a movie together.

He didn’t really want to go home, not when he couldn’t relax there. How many nights had it been since he’d had a full night sleep? Had he ever felt safe there?

“You wanna come to my place? We have a bunch of pizza left over from yesterday,” Dave interrupts Karkat’s thought process, not that he minds. It just makes him nod really fast, starting the journey again.

By the time they get to the apartment, eat, and sit down in front of the TV, Karkat is ready to pass the fuck out. The carbs he’d consumed just made him sleepy, so he had trouble staying awake for Dave’s rant about John’s movie choices or something, he wasn’t even paying attention.

“Karkat,” a voice whispers, then a hand gently touches his shoulder.

As his eyes open, he realizes it must have been hours since he closed his eyes, his back was already stiff from sitting with his head leaning into his hand. Dave was leaning over in front of him, giving him a sunglasses-free grin when he sees Karkat open his eyes.

“You fell asleep pretty hardcore there,” Dave continues to smile, plopping down beside Karkat on the couch. “Kinda seem like me a little bit, I always pass out everywhere.”

“Yeah but you’re losing consciousness, I’m just tired,” Karkat mumbles, leaning back into the couch again.

“Why are you so tired? Can’t sleep at night?”

Karkat shakes his head a little too fast, too suddenly.

“How come?” Dave’s voice has gone a little more quiet, a little more… thoughtful. It makes Karkat pretty fucking angry but too scared to answer at the same time.

As if understanding part of what Karkat was feeling, Dave reaches over and places his hand in Karkat’s, giving it a little squeeze.

“You can tell me anything, that’s what friends are for, right?” The kindness in his voice just makes Karkat nod, and squeeze his hand back tight.

“I’m a foster kid,” Karkat starts, sighing. “Whenever I go into a new home… it’s just really hard the first few weeks, or months, sometimes. I can’t get comfortable, because I know at any time that they can decide they don’t want me, or they can just send me away…”

“That must be really hard,” Dave whispers, just as Karkat realizes how tightly he was squeezing Dave’s hand. He hadn’t pulled away. Did he really care as much as he seemed to, or was it a ploy?

“You’re wanted here,” Dave continues, “You can always come by if you need a place to nap. This is the casa de la siesta, just for you.”

“Thanks,” Karkat mumbles, trying to hide his smile and failing.

“Now, you ready for Rose’s movie night?”

Dave jumps to his feet, pulling his hand from Karkat’s.

Throughout the night, it was hard not to think about Dave, and his hand all wrapped up around Karkat’s. It was warm and big, the touch of his hand just enough to get Karkat to want more from him.

During the movie, he hoped that Dave would get dizzy and need a hand to hold, but (un)fortunately, Rose picked a movie that didn’t have a lot of shaking camera movements or flashing lights. It was an old movie, black and white, about vampires. Go figure.

Too often, Karkat noticed himself glancing over at Dave. Seeing his hand, the curve of his jaw, the way the light changed on the screen and lit up his face, soft curving shadows making him seem older, his bone structure sharper. Karkat wanted desperately to kiss him, but knew that because they weren’t alone, even offering the idea would be not only embarrassing, but inappropriate.

Karkat knew that Dave liked him, at least as a friend. There was, of course, a question about how far that liking went. Where Karkat could see himself dating Dave, could Dave see the same in Karkat? That was the million dollar question.

Everyone laughs at something on the screen, but Karkat was too distracted with staring that he misses whatever it is. Dave glances at Karkat, but seeing that he wasn’t laughing, he gets this look on his face. Was he worried? It almost made Karkat laugh just asking himself that.

Before Karkat can say anything, his phone starts madly buzzing in his pocket, and once he retrieves it, he sees that it’s his foster father.

Quickly jumping to his feet, he moves a couple rooms over to talk.

“Hello,” Karkat says into the receiver, before he’s even left the room completely.

“Karkat, where are you?”

“I’m at a friend’s,” Karkat says nervously, “I texted Eliza earlier…”

“Oh,” the man sighs on the other end. “She has parent-teacher conferences tonight, I haven’t seen her yet.” He laughs, “In the future, could you let me know where you are, too? I’m a bit of a worry-wart.”

“Sure, sorry,” Karkat says, trying to stop the tremble in his lip.

“Have a good night, okay? Call me if you need a ride home.”

“Thanks, Greg,” Karkat replies, sharing quick goodbyes.

When the line goes dead, Karkat sinks to the bed in the room he’d wandered in. Probably the guest room, but he doesn’t give it much thought. All he could do is stare at the phone and try not to cry. Of course he doesn’t try too hard and ends up crying anyway.

He swipes the heel of his hand against his eye, over his cheek, under his nose, trying to stop the tears. Why was he even crying? Nothing had even fucking happened!

“Karkat,” Dave whispers, suddenly from the doorway.

Only Karkat’s sniffles answer, and so the sound of the closing door replies.

“Hey, what happened?” Dave asks softly, knowing there were people just a few rooms over, and thankfully keeping his voice low.

“Nothing, you insipid piece of shit,” Karkat shakes his head. “M-my foster father called and he was just wondering where I was, but he didn’t yell o-or anything, so…”

Dave’s face breaks into a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he laughs.

“You’re relieved,” Dave tells him, putting a hand on Karkat’s shoulder. “He sounds like a good guy. Maybe that means you shouldn’t be so worried about living there.”

Karkat swipes under his nose again, nodding as he starts to smile. The hand on Karkat’s shoulder squeezes once more before pulling away again.

“I mean,” Dave corrects himself, “It’s okay to worried, and it’s okay to be scared, but… I don’t think you have a reason to be.”

Hearing Dave say that… the reassurance was more important than anything else, as far as Karkat was concerned.

The air in the room had gotten too close, too fast. Dave was just inches from his face, knees touching his and making Karkat’s breathing get faster. To his immediate embarrassment, Karkat feels a blush rising to his cheeks.

Fucking horseshitting dickmunch of a…

Karkat could feel the sheer number of swear words bubbling up on the end of his tongue, about to let loose in the mother of all fucking screams he could possibly muster up. It was coming, it was going to happen if he didn’t get away from Dave and his kind eyes and his hand that had found it’s way to Karkat’s elbow.

His heart was hammering too loudly in his chest, his breathing a little too fast. He could feel the heat of Dave’s body coming closer.

Unable to stand the nearness, Karkat gets up abruptly. He doesn’t even bother looking at Dave as he turns and walks out of the room, to return to the living room.

Karkat can hardly get his breathing under control, too distracted by his own racing heart to notice that the movie was coming to an end, and voices were talking, laughing. As Dave returns, Rose exclaims how upset she is that he missed the ending.

In that cool way that he has, he responds in a way that makes Rose laugh, keeping the banter going.

“Hey, Karkles,” Terezi whispers, moving to sit beside him. “Something’s wrong, what is it?”

“It’s nothing,” Karkat shakes his head.

She frowns, about to open her mouth and argue about something, but she doesn’t get the chance. John starts exclaiming that they need to play a new game that he just bought, but he knew it was super fun already. For some reason he got the idea that Terezi would be a perfect test subject, and pulled her over to play.

With her leaving, that left Karkat alone again, while everyone else was distracted with the video game, all eyes trained up at the TV except Terezi’s.

Karkat found his eyes trailing up, and of course they happened to land on Dave. Without his sunglasses, it was quite obvious that he was looking at Karkat, his gaze unwavering, even when he saw that Karkat was looking right back.

After at least a few seconds, Dave broke the contact. He turned at last, but only to move past the couch and leave the room to go to the kitchen.

It was obvious he wanted to be followed.

Karkat had to allow him just that. Right? No harm in it.

Upon entering the kitchen, Karkat couldn’t help but get angry. Figures, right? Seeing Dave’s face made him angry. It made him feel a lot of other things too, but mostly anger. Mostly because he had no idea what he was feeling right now. It was easy to turn to anger, his old friend.

Dave was standing while leaning against the kitchen counter. The lights were obnoxiously bright in here, but he refused to put his glasses on, it seemed. They were tucked into the top of his shirt, but they stayed there. Dave’s eyes were just as still, watching Karkat with enough precision to make him feel uncomfortable.

Regardless of all that, Karkat knew that he owed him some kind of explanation or apology. Something. Anything.

“Did I do something wrong?” Dave asks, when Karkat is close enough so that he can whisper.

“No--”

“Then what?” Dave actually looks upset, then pauses, and asks, “Do I touch you too much, or something? I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable--”

“It doesn’t,” Karkat shakes his head. He lets out a breath, feeling his heart start to race again, his breathing getting a little faster once more. Could he tell him? Could he tell Dave the truth?

“I feel like I’ve been lying to you,” Karkat whispers. “And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that, I just don’t...”

“Karkat, what is it?” Dave steps closer, reaching out a hand to touch his arm.

“You’re just really touchy with me, and I feel like I have to tell you that I’m gay so you don’t feel like I’ve been taking advantage of you or… something…” He was speaking fast, letting the words tumble out and he could feel his jaw starting to chatter.

“Karkat,” Dave breathed, sliding his hand up Karkat’s arm, and moving it to his neck. “I never thought that, I never…” his lips pull into a barely-there smile. “Karkat, I like you. I like you, a lot. That’s why I was being so touchy with you. I just… wasn’t sure how to ask you if you liked me. Since you were reciprocating the touches, you know, I just thought...” he trails off, smiling again.

Karkat can hardly breathe.

“You-you motherfucker!” He exclaims, that anger bubbling up now, escaping at the worst possible time, but thankfully Dave just laughs, catching one of Karkat’s flailing limbs. “You dickshitting moron--” Karkat starts to get quieter, watching as Dave keeps smiling, and manages to expertly weave his fingers between Karkat’s.

“How much do you hate me?” Dave asks, smiling down at Karkat. He’d placed a hand on his cheek, to tilt his face upwards.

“I don’t,” Karkat whispers, shaking his head.

“No?” Dave teases, leaning close.

“No,” Karkat repeats, feeling self conscious about how dry his lips were, and wondering how much his breath smelled. Those thoughts fade away when he realizes how close Dave is, especially his eyes.

They were big and brown, flecks of red scattered through them like broken glass. Never had he been so close that he could see Dave’s eyes in this way. Karkat had never been able to feel his breath on his face, not until now. He’d never been kissed before, and as far as he was concerned, it was perfect.

Dave was gentle, his lips, a little rough at first but they grew softer as they kissed. It took everything in Karkat’s power not to jump, so he could reach Dave’s lips more easily. Already he was moving on his tip-toes, trying to be closer than he already was to the only thing he wanted right now, and that was Dave’s lips.

At last, much too soon, Dave started to pull back.

“That was my first kiss,” Karkat blurts out, in the silence, in the sudden absence of warm lips.

“Why, I’m honored,” Dave replies with a grin.

“Shut up,” Karkat smiles, smacking Dave’s chest gently, it just makes Dave laugh softly back at him.

A sudden burst of laughter from the other room makes Karkat jump a little, but not move away from Dave. If anything, Karkat wanted to stay with Dave for the rest of the night and not leave him.

With a sudden burst of confidence, Karkat jumps onto the counter, sitting with his legs dangling off the end. The position makes Dave laugh, but Karkat appreciated the change, now that he could see Dave’s eyes head on and not have to go onto his tip-toes.

“I can’t help being short, you fucker,” Karkat grumbles softly, blushing again as Dave moves closer, resting a hand on Karkat’s thigh.

“I never said I hated your ingenuity.”

Using that same confidence that allowed him to jump onto the counter, Karkat leans forward to kiss Dave again, pressing a hand to his cheek to make Dave look at him. Dave breathes out a laugh through his nose as their lips connect, eyes closing the very same moment.

Karkat couldn’t help acknowledging how Dave felt between his legs, the sudden contact a feeling that Karkat didn’t want to end anytime soon. Touching him, that’s what he liked. He wishes he could have done it sooner, the feeling of every part of Karkat that Dave was touching, it felt like fire, spreading over his skin.

Even when their kissing slows again and they break apart, Karkat can still feel the ghost of Dave’s lips touching his.

“Oh my God,” a voice laughs behind them, and Karkat knew it to belong to Rose.

Feeling his face start to burn, he plants it right into Dave’s chest, hoping that he wasn’t as embarrassed as Karkat was.

More giggling answers Rose and her exclamation of her findings, and Dave wraps his arms around Karkat, whispering something about how “the secret is out now.” Karkat wasn’t sure it was such a good idea, but it was too late for that.

It didn’t matter, right? With his head in Dave’s chest and inhaling his scent and feeling his warmth, nothing could go wrong. His friends were okay with same-sex couples, so he didn’t have to worry about it. Nothing. Nothing was wrong. Everything is okay.


	9. A New Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Studying for finals is killing me. Enjoy cutesy DaveKat + kisses.

Dave woke up with a particularly peppy spring in his step, which Bro noticed upon Dave waking up early for breakfast Saturday morning. Jake was there, too, and Dave could see them glancing at each other, doing that stupid thing they did where they talked without actually opening their mouths. Of course, Dave wouldn’t say anything unless they asked. Maybe not even then. He didn’t exactly roll that way.

He got his juice and pop tart and was nearly able to leave the kitchen before Bro got the idea to _actually mention Dave’s happiness._

“Yo, where you off to in a hurry?” Bro has a sort of half frown/half smile in his voice, like he was trying to be mad but he was kind of happy about it? Dave had long since stopped questioning whatever the fuck was going on in Bro’s head.

“Um,” Dave starts, actually trying to think of an appropriate answer. He couldn’t think of one, nothing sarcastic or funny, so he just says, “to my room?”

“You’re up pretty early there,” Jake comments, raising his eyebrows a little.

“I do that,” Dave nods, forcing his mouth into a tight line.

“How was Rose’s? You got back pretty late,” Bro states it almost offhandedly, like he didn’t actually care, but he totally did at the same time, being the parent and all.

“It was fine,” Dave, shrugs.

“Fine?” Jake echoes, staring at Bro. “Sounds a bit suspicious, doesn’t it?”

Dave rolls his eyes, starting to turn away.

“I kissed Karkat,” Dave says, walking out of the kitchen. He hears Bro start to choke on a fried egg.

“Pardon?” Bro rasps.

“Karkat is my boyfriend!” Dave yells back, closing his bedroom door.

He can help but grin while he leans against the door, nearly forgetting about his juice and pop tart, too busy thinking about Karkat to care.

He was cute and tiny and angry all the time. The amount of swears that kid knows could fill a dictionary, and yet Dave found it incredibly endearing. He was kind, and was there even when Dave thought he was alone. He could be a friend, and something more, it seems. Thinking about Karkat made Dave smile so wide, it was hard to stop. Did he have a reason not to smile, especially when thinking about Karkat? He didn’t think so. He didn’t take that long thinking about it, either, scared he might actually find a reason.

He didn’t spend the whole day thinking about Karkat, just most of it, plus spending a little bit of time on homework, but he kept fainting. He was sitting at his desk, staring at his computer screen, he had the lights on so hey, he should be staying awake, right? Wrong.

It was probably the fifth time he had fainted, when his phone beeping woke him up. It made him jump a little, and then relax significantly when he saw it was a text from Karkat.

He was asking if Dave would come over today.

Dave was nearly out the door as he was replying, but Bro stopped him before he could even make it to the door.

“Woah! Where’s the fire?”

“I’m going to Karkat’s,” Dave replies, turning around slowly. He frowns when he sees Bro with his arms crossed over his chest. He was trying way too hard to be parent-y.

“And are his parent’s home?”

Dave rolls his eyes.

“Yes, they are.” He didn’t actually know where Karkat’s foster parents were, but he assumed they’d be home. It was Saturday, so they had to be. As far as Dave knew, anyway.

Bro narrows his eyes at Dave, like he’s trying to decide whether or not he believes him.

“You know, I’m not going to do anything with him,” Dave insists, crossing his own arms over his chest. “At least, not right away. I was his first kiss, so obviously he’s pretty nervous about all that jazz.” He pauses. “You don’t have to worry, Bro,” he adds more quietly at the end.

“Fine, okay, go,” Bro sighs loudly, waving his hand as he turns away.

Dave can hardly contain his smile.

He gets to Karkat’s apartment pretty quickly, probably a lot faster than Karkat intended him to, but he doesn’t seem to care as he opens the door.

The place was nice, as far as Dave was concerned, which he honestly didn’t care that much. He’d lived in pretty terrible places while Bro was getting the hang of working and providing for Dave, so it’s not like anything could really surprise him. There seemed to be no cockroaches, clean carpet, and plenty of food in the cupboards and in the fridge, so nothing to worry about.

“My foster mom is doing some work at church right now, and my foster dad is working in his office. He’s a writer,” Karkat says as he leads Dave through the apartment, giving him a small tour of the place. “He’s really good, apparently.”

“Must be,” Dave murmurs, noticing tiny details to the apartment.

Fine China, fancy rugs and nice, clean leather couches. The fridge was state-of-the-art, the faucets all seemed to be pretty new and well kept, too. The counter tops in the kitchen were even marble. It was all fancy, all clean, all tidy. Like it was all fake or something. Like a movie set where the parents are really aliens come to enslave the human race and learn all their secrets and weaknesses.

Dave pushes the thought out of his mind, and continues to follow Karkat, this time towards his bedroom.

It was more clean than Dave had expected, honestly.

There was a bookshelf, a dresser, a bed, a desk. Few posters on the walls, a few post cards: from Hawaii, Florida, Kansas. His desk had his school books on it, his notebooks. His bed wasn’t made, and it was the most lived in thing in there, and the thing that seemed most like Karkat out of everything. A gray fuzzy blanket, a purple comforter. Deep red sheets and a pillow of the same burgundy color.

Dave sits himself down on the bed to look around the room.

“I like your room,” Dave says, when he realizes he hadn’t said anything in awhile. “It needs more of _you_ though.”

“What do you mean?” Karkat asks, not mad, just curious.

“Well, the bed looks like you, like you live in it. But the room… it doesn’t fit you. I mean, the walls are white. I feel like you would hate that.” Dave shakes his head, glancing at Karkat as he sits down beside him.

“Greg and Eliza… they offered to paint it, but…” Karkat frowns, his voice was slightly pained so Dave reaches out to take his hand, Karkat giving a grateful squeeze as he continues. “I don’t know how long I’ll be here,” Karkat whispers, “what if right after it’s painted, they decide they don’t want me anymore?”

“Then fuck ‘em,” Dave whispers back, bumping his shoulder against Karkat’s. “Have you ever painted a room before? It’s hella fun. You need that experience.”

Karkat smiles at him, giving a little nod.

“Will you help me paint if they let me?” Karkat asks, still smiling.

“Oh, I don’t know, I’ll have to check my schedule,” Dave answers with an over exaggerated sigh, and Karkat replies with a gentle shove.

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat mumbles, grinning at the same time.

“Mm, make me,” Dave whispers, smiling when he sees Karkat start to blush.

His smile fades a little, only to bite his lip and then release it just as quickly. Leaning forward, Dave can feel Karkat’s breath on his face, how fast it started was enough to get Dave to start blushing too.

Dave knew that Karkat was a little nervous, he had to be. He’d never been with anyone before, so all Dave wanted was for Karkat to be comfortable. One wrong move and everything would be ruined for him. Dave didn’t want that.

Karkat leans into Dave without prompting, pressing his lips to his with a confidence that Dave hardly knew Karkat’ possessed. Whenever it came to kissing Dave, it seemed that Karkat wanted to, and went out of his way to do so. At Rose’s house, jumping onto the counter, and now just going for it, it only gave Dave confirmation that Karkat _actually_ liked him.

Pulling his hand out of Dave’s, Karkat reaches both hands towards his face to bring it closer. His palms pulled at Dave’s warm cheeks, Karkat’s hands cold and much needed with the already growing heat in the room.

Testing it, Dave moves his tongue to tap at Karkat’s lips, and immediately he opens his lips to comply. Dave’s heart was racing, and he was sure that Karkat’s was as well with how labored his breathing had become. To Dave’s surprise, Karkat pulls Dave on top of him, pulling them both down onto the bed, and Karkat’s legs on either side of Dave.

Dave moves his fingers from Karkat’s cheek to the side of his temple, and spread his fingers through Karkat’s hair. After just a few seconds of gentle combing through his jet black hair, Dave noticed how Karkat had become calmer with the touch. Dave pulls his mouth away from Karkat’s to smile.

“You have a hair pulling kink?” Dave jokes, hoping Karkat didn’t get offended or embarrassed. Thankfully Karkat was quick to reply.

“I think I have a gentleness kink,” Karkat whispers, only making Dave laugh and roll off of him.

Of course, Karkat turns onto his side to face Dave, who does the same.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Dave whispers, hoping he would say yes so he could take the chance to cuddle with Karkat. It was probably one of his lesser known fantasies, something he would never admit to, but really wanted to do.

“Sure,” Karkat nods, but seems to hesitate.

“What?” Dave shakes his head a little.

“We’d have to watch it in the living room,” Karkat whispers. “I don’t know how my foster parents feel about, you know…” He bites his lip, glancing away from Dave’s gaze.

“It’s okay, we don’t have to,” Dave assures him, reaching out to palm his cheek again. He smiles, “We can just stay in here and stare at each other for an hour and a half instead.”

Karkat laughs out loud, moving away slightly just from how hard he was laughing. When he moves back towards Dave, he wiggles slightly, trying to get even closer. Their noses bump against each other’s, only making them both smile.

Dave moves his mouth to kiss Karkat again, sighing the moment their lips touch. It was so difficult to go slow in order to not freak Karkat out, but it was definitely worth it. He didn’t want to screw up what they had, especially when it was Karkat’s first serious relationship.

As they kissed, Karkat had started growing nearer to Dave in proximity, his leg slowly starting to wrap around Dave’s waist, his hands pressed against Dave’s chest and occasionally rubbing up and down his shirt. Keeping one hand on Karkat’s cheek, Dave moved his other towards Karkat’s waist, pulling him even closer.

It was like Karkat didn’t even notice what was happening, but Dave very much did. He knew where this was going if Karkat didn’t stop him, especially when Karkat was wearing loose pants which hid nothing, especially not the hardening boner rubbing right up against Dave’s.

Karkat kept kissing him. And kissing him. And kissing him.

He kept getting closer, trying to pull himself and Dave nearer to each other and keep kissing. Dave liked it, how could he not? He couldn’t help but feel like Karkat is forcing himself to keep making out with Dave. Whether or not he thought he wanted to, Dave really thought that Karkat was moving to fast for his liking.

He feels, rather than tells himself to, pull away, his eyes pinched shut as he pulls his hand from Karkat’s cheek. He’d taken off his glasses upon entry into the apartment, so it was easy to pinch the bridge of his nose with a new wave of dizziness that came onto him. He allowed the flood of warped vision to spread through his eyes and mind, where he normally held it back and focused too hard on everything around him enough to give himself a headache.

Dave moved the hand that was on Karkat’s waist to grasp blindly for his hand, which Karkat takes in both of his and squeezes them tightly. His legs readjust themselves as well, so Dave finds it easy to focus again.

“Sorry,” Dave murmurs, opening his eyes into small slits. He felt like he was about to faint again, but he tried desperately to stop himself from doing so.

“Do you feel like you’re going to faint?” Karkat whispers, voice full of worry.

Very slowly, Dave nods his head as he closes his eyes.


	10. All Is Well

Karkat brings his clasped hands to his lips, pressing them against Dave’s fingertips. He hoped he wouldn’t completely faint, maybe just fall asleep for a few seconds and then snap back to reality. Karkat leans forwards again and presses a soft kiss to Dave’s lips, hoping that it would wake him up.

Karkat frowns, watching Dave’s eyes start to open again.

“What can I do?”

“Help me sit up?” Dave whispers, his eyes snapping open every couple of seconds between a flurry of blinks.

Karkat complies, untangling their legs and helping Dave sit up slowly, Dave’s head was leaning into his hand, as if it were a struggle to keep it upright, and it seemed, keeping his eyes open as well.

“Do you want some water?”

“No thanks, it won’t help,” Dave shakes his head as he sits up more, grimacing.

“I wish I could do something,” Karkat mumbles.

Karkat watches Dave’s eyes pinch shut again, and Karkat gently squeezes his hand in worry. He wasn’t sure what to do, other than sit there and hold Dave’s hand. Maybe it was all he _could_ do.

“Same here,” Dave whispers, swaying a little. “Holding my hand is good, I like that,” Dace mumbles, smiling slightly as he looks at Karkat. His pupils were huge, as if he were high on something, and it only makes Karkat wonder what would happen if Dave _did_ get high. He’s too afraid to ask, in cast his foster dad overhears and gets the wrong idea.

“Do you think… making out set it off?” Karkat murmurs, suddenly feeling… something he couldn’t quite explain. Guilty, possibly. It hurt a little but he was too worried about Dave at the moment to care fully.

“Honestly the wind blowing sets it off,” Dave replies. “I mean, maybe breathing really hard and having my heart beat so fast caused _something,_ but I don’t think it set it off specifically, no. My brain is just stupid and it goes stupid for other reasons being around you.”

Karkat smiles, immediately taking it as a compliment, and he tells Dave as such.

“You should, ‘cause I’m crazy about you,” Dave replies, that dumb sort of confidence shattering for a second while he blushes, pulling his hand away to rub his fingers through his hair. He looks sheepish, silly.

His reaction just makes Karkat realize how crazy about Dave he is, too, and the decision to lean over and kiss his cheek is a simple one.

“We can watch a movie if you want,” Karkat says softly, “I’m sure Greg won’t leave his office. He’s been writing like crazy recently.”

“As long as it’s not The Hunger Games,” Dave whispers back, smiling.

“How else will I get you to hold my hand?” Karkat snaps, the question leaving his mouth on an impulse. Thankfully, it makes Dave grin.

“You don’t need a reason to hold my hand,” Dave shakes his head, reaching out to run his fingers over Karkat’s palm, sliding his fingers through Karkat’s to weave their fingers together.

Unable to help it, Karkat starts blushing and smiling. It was hard to hide how he was feeling, when no one had made him feel like this ever before. All he wanted was to keep Dave right in front of him, or beside him, always by his side and keep holding his hand.

“Let’s go to living room,” Karkat chuckles, standing up and trying _really_ hard to hide his bright red cheeks. He ends up pulling Dave behind him, who just tightens his fingers when Karkat tries to pull away.

The only time Dave does let Karkat pull away is when he’s putting a movie on.

“What are we watching?” Dave asks, watching as Karkat flips through the On Demand movies on the TV while standing in front of it, remote in hand.

“Have you seen _Ten Things I Hate About You_?” Karkat asks, turning around to glance back at Dave, only to see him shake his head. “Then, we’re watching that.”

Karkat selects the movie quickly, and plops down beside Dave. He stiffens slightly when Dave leans really close.

“It’s a romance, isn’t it?” Dave hisses, a look of disgust on his face that only deepens when Karkat nods.

“It’s a good movie, you’ll like it you ass-mouth,” Karkat grins.

Dave just grumbles again, leaning back to cross his arms over his chest. Of course, it only makes Karkat laugh at Dave, and sit back to watch the movie begin.

They were still sitting close, and Karkat had noticed how Dave’s arm had fallen against the back of the couch, as if poised to wrap around Karkat’s shoulders. Ignoring every thought telling him not to, Karkat leans back against Dave’s shoulder, and his arm drops down to pull him close at the same time.

As if thinking the same thing, they start to lay down on the reclining side of the couch, where it turns into a chair with a foot rest. Dave had his arm wrapped around Karkat’s shoulder, and Karkat had his head on Dave’s chest, right underneath Dave’s chin. Completely ignoring the warnings that were flashing through Karkat’s mind, he just stays there, thinking of how relaxed he was, and how much he wanted to fall asleep right now.

Dave’s fingers move absently through Karkat’s hair, causing his breathing to even out and get slower, his eyes closing after not too long.

He hardly even realizes he fell asleep before he’s waking up, jolted into consciousness by someone banging around in the kitchen. He glances at the TV to see the On Demand selection menu, knowing that he must have been asleep for at least an hour.

Dave’s hand rubs over his shoulder, making Karkat turn a little to look at him.

“Sorry,” Dave mumbles, and Karkat hesitates, unsure why he’s apologizing. “Your foster dad walked through the room and saw you sleeping on my chest, and…”

Karkat doesn’t react, maybe from shock? He doesn’t even tense up. It feels like… like it didn’t happen at all. Like Dave was lying. But he couldn’t be, could he? He wouldn’t do that.

“He didn’t seem to care, though, he just wanted to know who I was,” Dave breathes out a laugh through his nose. “Your foster mom got home a few seconds after, and now they’re putting away groceries.”

“I should probably help them,” Karkat whispers, feeling his heart start to pound a little more quickly in his chest.

He pulls away from Dave, avoiding his gaze, trying to stop the frantic feeling in his chest, the shakiness of his fingers and legs that only quickens when he gets nearer to the kitchen. The feeling explodes in his chest when he reaches the doorway, and pops his head in.

For a few seconds, he watches his foster parents put away the bags of groceries.

“Need any help?” Karkat finds himself asking, staring expectantly at the two adults he lives with. His stomach was in knots.

Eliza looks up when he speaks, and she smiles.

“No, I think we’ve got it covered,” she nods, gesturing to the living room with a bag of hamburger buns. “Why don’t you go back to your friend?”

Karkat nods, but hesitates a little, starting to turn, but not completing the move.

“Something wrong?” Eliza asks, and Karkat finds himself turning back, yet unable to look her or Greg in the eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t… tell you, or--” Karkat starts, reaching up to scratch anxiously at his ear. He could feel his panic rising, so the word vomit just gets worse. “I’d understand if it weirds you out, and-and you wouldn’t… want me here or--”

He’s only vaguely aware of Eliza dropping the bag of buns on the counter, and moving towards him. She has this look of concern on her face, no anger or any kind of emotion that Karkat would expect. Instead of yelling or whatever Karkat was expecting, she walks directly in front of him and puts her hands onto his cheeks, turning his head up to look at her.

“Karkat,” she starts, “whether you are gay or not, or have a boyfriend or not, we still want you here. We care very much about you, and want you to feel comfortable here, okay?”

Fighting the tremble in his lip, Karkat just finds himself only staring. Eliza’s face softens again, into a gentle smile as her hands drop to Karkat’s shoulders to give a squeeze, then eventually drop to her sides again.

“You… you work at the church all the time, so I thought…” Karkat trails off, shaking his head. Eliza doesn’t stop her smiling, although it turns into a regretful one.

“I never intended for you to think that my involvement with the church was anything extreme,” Eliza shakes her head. “It’s a protestant church, they’re very open and accepting to everyone.”

Although Karkat doesn’t believe her 100%, he finds himself nodding anyway, too shocked at her acceptance that he can’t find the words to question it. Why would he question it when this is his chance to actually _be_ accepted, anyway? It would be stupid to. Ridiculous to even try and ask how she could believe in God and believe in the bible and believe that gay people were still people.

“Is there something else?” Eliza asks, and again Karkat is reminded of her kindness, both her and Greg.

“C-can I paint my room?” Karkat asks softly, taking the chance. “If the offer still stands.”

“Of course, honey,” Eliza smiles a little bigger, which made his smile come back immediately. “We can go to Home Depot next weekend for paint, okay?”

Karkat nods, this time turning and actually leaving the kitchen, returning to the living room and Dave, who was leaning his chin on the back of the couch, a wide grin on his face.

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat mumbles, but can’t help smiling back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? Nothing to worry about.


	11. Rules Can Save You...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of bullying in this chapter. Sorry
> 
> But sollux is here too. Yay for lisps. Characterization is bullshit so ignore if i got anything wrong

On school Monday morning, they had mutually agreed to be out. Out in the school, so everyone would know about the two of them. Since both their families were okay with it, and their friends obviously were, it didn’t seem to make sense to keep it a secret from people who they didn’t really care about, like their peers and acquaintances around school.

“Well, okay. I’m not really cool with, like,” Karkat was saying, as they stood in front of his locker, “really obnoxious PDA and shit. But if you need to hold my hand, that’s cool, and hugging is okay.” He nods a little to himself.

“Aw, I was so looking forward to sucking your face before first period,” Dave says sarcastically, making Karkat immediately laugh out loud.

“Please, none of that,” Karkat grins, pushing his locker door closed.

Dave realizes that Karkat did say he could hold his hand when he wanted to, so he slowly reaches a hand out and touches his wrist. Karkat understands and adjusts his fingers appropriately, until their fingers are weaved together. He tries _really_ hard to keep his breathing level, hoping that his cheeks aren’t too pink. Dorky romantic things always made him blush bright red, even as simple as holding hands with someone.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Dave asks, leaning a shoulder against the lockers. He hoped he could convince Karkat to come over, or vice versa. His optimism fades a little when Karkat frowns.

“I’m meeting my foster brother this Saturday,” Karkat answers, his hand flinching slightly in Dave’s, tightening. “He’s, well… he was adopted by them a few years ago, but he’s been in and out of the hospital for awhile.”

“How come?” Dave frowns, seeing Karkat’s worry, reflected in his eyes.

“Mental health stuff, they weren’t specific about it,” Karkat gives a slight shrug. He looks down at the floor, sighing a little. “I’m kind of worried about him.”

“Why?” Dave asks softly.

“That he won’t like me, or he’ll get mad at me for being there and invading his space…” Karkat sighs again. “I don’t mind about the mental health thing; I just hope he’s doing okay. You know?”

“I’m sure he is, I mean, he’s coming home, isn’t he?” Dave asks, shrugging.

He hoped that was true, considering Karkat seemed to worry about things like whether or not people liked him. If he got mad at him, or made Karkat not feel happy being there… Dave didn’t know what he was going to do. What would happen if the guy didn’t like Karkat and told his parents to kick him out?

Squeezing his hand a few times, Dave thinks for about three seconds how much he really wants to kiss him. Respecting his wishes, however, Dave just keeps holding his hand.

They talk back and forth for a little while about their plans for the weekend, but Dave can’t help noticing the looks they were getting. As if they’d never seen a same-sex couple before, or _god forbid,_ two guys holding hands. Normally they were so good about minding their own fucking business, but now seemed to be a one in a lifetime opportunity to witness Dave being cutesy with his boyfriend.

Maybe that was it, the thought briefly crosses his mind. Perhaps they were shocked that Dave, big and tough and ready-to-fight Dave, is anything other than straight. God for-fucking-bid. He tried desperately not to sneer at them, but it’s not like they could see him if he rolled his eyes, so he managed it a few times when he noticed the looks. Karkat doesn’t seem to notice, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t bother Dave. It _really_ bothered him, but not enough to retract his hand from Karkat. He likes him too much, and he wants him to know that.

“See you at lunch?” Karkat asks when the bell rings.

Dave can only nod, pulling his hand out of Karkat’s. Sighing, Dave watches Karkat walk away, and then turns to walk the other direction. It was hard to not stare at him, Dave had to admit, smiling as he turns away.

He wishes he could just spend the day with Karkat, every day. He wants to know more about him, and spend his time holding his hand. Or kissing him. Either way. Even if they weren’t touching, just talking was nice.

His mind eventually turns back to school, where he can spend most of his thought process on math or history or whatever. It was almost easy to pay attention, for some strange reason. He feels happier, looking forward to the end of the day and of course, looking forward to lunch so he could see Karkat and be with him again.

Right before lunch, Dave was at his locker, switching out books he needed for the second half of the day. A notebook, a pen, and his Spanish textbook. With senioritis threatening, there wasn’t much to really _do_ or bring to school. He’d taken the SAT last year with Bro’s pestering and convincing, and gotten a fairly decent score on it. After that, there was just college applications to worry about. They weren’t due for awhile, so again, not much to worry about.

As he closes his locker, his shoulder smacks right into something sharp. Another shoulder, belonging to some guy taller and bigger than him.

“Watch where you’re going, faggot,” the guy says, his lip curling at Dave.

A glare hardens Dave’s expression, but it’s not like the guy saw it. If Dave had any sense of where he was in relation to others around him, or the ground, he would have been on him in a second. If only he could fight. If only he could hold his ground like he used to be able to.

Instead he doesn’t say anything. He waits until the rage has left his chest, until the pure, white-hot anger has faded from his limbs and his eyes are no longer burning from not blinking in so long. He finally, finally, brings himself to start walking towards the cafeteria, only to find that he had been standing in the middle of the hallway for the entirety of the period.

“Whatever,” Dave mumbles under his breath, and starts towards the Spanish room.

His only thoughts were about that idiot calling him a faggot. He could  _not_ get past that, his mind racing back and forth and always coming back to that, and the guy's bony shoulder smacking him once. Honestly, weren’t people cool with gay couples? He’d never noticed before, so… Was it just him they were harassing, or was it others as well?

Thankfully, Sollux was in his Spanish class. He walks up to him the very moment Sollux walks through the door and sits down.

“Hey, bro,” Dave says, sitting down in the seat beside him.

He’d hardly spoken to the guy before, but Karkat and him were friends, so he was sure Sollux would be okay with his sudden need to have a conversation.

His eyebrows turn up slightly when Dave sits next to him, and when he speaks, but otherwise he waits for Dave to say something else before replying.

“I have a weird question,” Dave says, realizing he didn’t really want to ask. He feels his mouth harden into a line, and lines appear on his forehead.

“Shoot,” Sollux answers, seemingly annoyed or confused, Dave wasn’t sure.

“Firstly, you’re dating Eridan, right?”

“Yeth,” Sollux nods.

“Okay, um,” Dave sighs, “I’ve never really noticed before I started dating Karkat, but, people are pretty homophobic here. Or is that just me?”

Sollux sighs, turning his eyes away for a second. He seemed to be considering the question, the statement.

“No, it’th not jutht you,” Sollux shakes his head. “It’th really annoying, but… you gotta learn to ignore it.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to realize that,” Dave sighs back at him, leaning his chin into his hand.

In the silence, he feels Sollux pat his shoulder softly before pulling away. In the silence that extends with them waiting for class to start, Dave starts to wonder what kind of shit Sollux went through, if it was anything more than just being called a few names.

“Karkat wath worried about you during lunch,” Sollux says to Dave, and Dave turns his head slightly to look at him. “He wath really looking forward to theeing you.”

“Someone called me a faggot and it took me 30 minutes to cool down,” Dave replies, sighing again. “I was just so fucking angry.”

“I know how it feelth,” Sollux nods, “it thuckth.”

Dave is about to answer, but the bell rings again before he can say a word. Immediately they’re thrust into the language of Spanish, and Dave needs all his thinking power to focus on it, and nothing else. Occasionally he finds himself trailing off into his thoughts, finding other things to think about, like Karkat or that guy, or a million other things.

 _This is stupid, just stop,_ Dave scolds himself. _Just shut up, ignore it, stop thinking about it. It’ll all go away._

Or so he hoped.

By the time it was the end of the day, he had gotten called out on his non-straightness four times and bumped into about six. He hadn’t been with Karkat while all this was happening, so he didn’t tell him about it. He merely stayed quiet and rolled his eyes and pretended like it was directed at someone else.

He told himself that it was okay since he wasn’t getting physically harmed, he wasn’t getting pushed over and he was okay. Nothing was wrong, and Karkat hadn’t said anything, so maybe it was all a figment of his imagination? Yeah. That had to be it.

Still fine. It would blow over. All good.

Karkat accepted his offer to come into the apartment for studying, but Dave truly had ulterior motives. He just wants to fucking kiss his boyfriend, was that too much to ask? The harassment he had gotten over the course of the day didn’t quite cross his mind, when he had hanging out with Karkat to look forward to.

They managed to study for an hour and a half until Dave got bored and too dizzy to function, and decided to almost pass out on the floor.

He flopped down onto the carpet of his bedroom, amidst his many papers and notebooks and textbooks. Pushing his sunglasses up onto his forehead, he rubs one eye, then the other, thinking about how great it would be to just pass out right now.

“Done studying?” Karkat asks, and Dave absently nods, dropping his hand from his face to the floor.

He opens his eyes to look at Karkat, who was red in the face, and looking away from him. Hair looking soft as always, Dave just wanted to reach out and touch it, rub his fingers through it and push it behind Karkat’s ears.

“The fuck do you want?” Karkat mumbles, and Dave realizes how he’s staring at Karkat.

“I wanna kiss you,” Dave says, starting to sit up. Of course it just makes Karkat blush an even deeper red, and smile sheepishly.

Karkat waits, as Dave moves closer and closer until he’s sitting right next to him. Although tired, Dave leans forward to press his lips against Karkat’s, smiling after the slow peck as he pulls away.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you _all_ day,” Dave mumbles, putting his head onto Karkat’s shoulder. His fingers find Karkat’s hand, as Karkat’s other one reaches up to weave his fingers through the tiny hairs at the base of Dave’s neck.

“Why didn’t you?” Karkat murmurs back.

“Not sure, just didn’t want to make people uncomfortable,” Dave only says part of why he didn’t want to kiss him in public. It was mostly because of the homophobic people, those bullies, but he didn’t want to say that.

“I like kissing you when we’re alone,” Dave continues, “I feel like it means more when it’s just us two. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Karkat says it with a grin in his voice.

“Are you laughing at me?” Dave asks, and immediately Karkat answers with a laugh. “You’re lucky I’m dizzy, or I’d beat you up.”

“Oh yeah? I’d like to see you try,” Karkat was still smiling.

Dave starts to lean into Karkat really hard, and succeeds in pushing him to the floor, Dave landing on him in a heap. Rather than do anything else, Dave just stays where he is, flopped on top of Karkat, nuzzling into his neck.

It truly hurt how much he liked Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fixed some tense shit, thanks to sburbanite


	12. ... but not always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note updated tags and rating. (they'll get to frick fracking in later chapters, dont worry)
> 
> more bullying in this chapter. apologies.

Karkat woke up Saturday morning with the sound of Eliza calling his name. It was eleven o’clock, and Karkat was anything but ready to get up. He wished he could sleep in longer, or forever. Tucked underneath cozy blankets, piled up all around him like a cocoon. It was heavenly, warm enough to make him sweat, but he didn’t mind at all. He liked the warmth and he liked the way he was snuggled in deep. The darkness just made him want to go to sleep more. It was nice pretending he didn't have any responsibilities.

            “Karkat!” Eliza calls again, and finally, Karkat feels the urgency in her voice and decides to obey.

            He pushes himself to his feet, struggling out of the blankets, pushing them off of him like they were hands trying to grab for his back. He was eventually freed and walks almost drunkenly out the door and to the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.

            “Late night?” Greg asks, raising his eyebrows at Karkat, but there was an air of humor in his voice. The statement was meant as a joke, something Karkat often noticed in Greg's demeanor. He wasn't always serious, but Karkat suspecting his personality was a front for how much he really cared.

            “I just like sleeping,” Karkat replies, yawning and rubbing his hands down his face. He looks around the kitchen, not seeing Eliza anywhere. “Where’d Eliza go?”

            “She’ll be back in a minute,” Greg shrugs, then smiles at someone behind Karkat.

            Karkat turns to see a lanky, tall guy with a faraway look in his eyes. His black hair was barely contained with an elastic band on the back of his skull, and his hands were shoved deep into pockets of a black pair of jeans. He makes a look like he isn’t sure what to do, but the split second passes before he pulls out a hand, offering it to Karkat.

            Karkat reaches out and shakes it, giving him a smile he hoped seemed friendly.

            “Nice to meet you, Gamzee,” Karkat tells him, and the other kid nods.

            Karkat isn’t perturbed by his silence, Greg and Eliza had warned him of it, after all. Something had happened, something they weren’t going to tell Karkat. Probably the reason he had been in and out of the hospital, and probably why he wasn’t talking, either. Karkat didn’t mind, he knew Gamzee must have gone through a lot. The important thing was that Eliza and Greg cared a lot about Gamzee. They cared enough to be sure he was okay, they had adopted him, they loved him, they cared about his well-being. That meant Karkat had to be sure to care about him, too.

            Just then, Eliza comes back with a big grin on her face, a box in her hands full of books and random objects. Gamzee silently takes the box from her and leaves to go to the room just next door to Karkat’s. He’d been told when he started living here that Gamzee was in the hospital, that he was their son, and he was the same age as Karkat, just younger by a few months.

            Karkat had wondered about Gamzee from the moment he had walked by his room and seen the door part way open. He’d nudged the door open with his foot and stuck his head inside to look around.

            It was messy, but contained, like Eliza had been progressively cleaning it over the course of a few weeks. There were various things spread around the room: unopened bottles of soda or finished ones, what looked like circus games strewn around haphazardly, a laptop and a million different cords of chargers and various computer cords. Everything about the room was haphazard, a contained mess.

            Karkat was curious about this person who had lived in the house for years, and who had been adopted by the people who had fostered him. All Karkat knew about Gamzee was the fact that he had had an accident, he rarely talked anymore because of said accident, and he was almost always by himself. That was something that Karkat didn't like, the fact that he was alone. It didn't seem  _right,_ it didn't seem good for Gamzee, or for anyone.

            Eliza and Greg kept their distance from Gamzee, leaving him to simmer in his room. They only called him out for dinner that night, and for dessert later, then for a movie much after that. He was still silent throughout the time he spent with them. When asked a question about which food he preferred, or which movie, he’d merely point or shrug, depending on how many choices he was given and in what context. If he couldn't point, he'd shrug, even if it seemed like he did very much know which one he liked more.

            All Karkat could think about is how much he wanted to be Gamzee’s friend. Was that weird? To be friends with a quiet guy who only made Karkat curious about what was going on in his head?

            After the rest of the house had gone to bed, Karkat was surprised to find how much Gamzee spoke while he was on his own.

            He swore a lot, but none as creative as Karkat’s own swears. When he walked, he would whisper _honk,_ under his breath with each step. The words were only heard through the thin walls, some so quiet Karkat had to strain to listen, but he did try not to hear anything. It was the fact that Gamzee thought everyone was asleep that made Karkat so curious. Why did he talk now, and why by himself? Why say honk while he walked and why didn’t he talk to others?

            The next night went quite the same way.

            On Monday morning, Karkat was stuck thinking about Gamzee. Slightly worrying, he had to admit. He wanted Gamzee to be _okay,_ and he obviously wasn’t.

            “Hey,” Dave’s voice says next to him, touching his elbow.

            “Hey,” Karkat says back with a smile, but it was delayed. Dave seems to realize, and gives Karkat a _look,_ one eyebrow turning up and his mouth pressing into a hard line.

            “Something wrong?” Dave shakes his head, and Karkat turns to look around them. He was making sure no one was listening to them, and Dave seemed to understand.

            Dave pulls Karkat by the elbow, down the hall towards a lesser used hallway. In front of a window, there was a bench perfect for quiet conversation. Karkat sighs a little when they sit down on it, feeling his chest get heavy with how much he was feeling right now. There was a bit of headache there, too, pushing at the backs of his eyes.

            “Sup, dude?” Dave says softly, reaching out to take Karkat’s hand.

            “My foster brother,” Karkat shakes his head. “He doesn’t talk.”

            “What?”

            “Like a… anxiety thing, I don’t know. He just doesn’t talk to anyone. I’m just… worried, I guess…” He trails off, frowning down at his lap. He thought it was stupid he was so worried about it, and voicing it just made it worse.

            “I’m sure he’ll warm up to you,” Dave whispers, squeezing Karkat’s hand. “You’re really easy to talk to.”

            “Thanks,” Karkat mumbles, but doesn’t look up at Dave.

He wasn’t sure if that was strictly _true._ Considering Dave hadn’t talked to him about a lot of things. Especially when he was pissed off, or when he wasn’t happy. Dave kept everything hidden behind his shades. Karkat barely even knew that Dave liked him until Dave had kissed him. Despite the hand holding and touching, it was really hard to get him to react to anything at all.

It had to be when Karkat was pushing Dave. He’d nearly forgotten about one of the first conversations he actually had with the prick, when Karkat was apologizing for knocking the glasses off his face. He’d nearly forgotten how annoyed Dave made him. It quickly turned to something else. A kind of care that Karkat needed to bestow upon Dave. He saw himself in Dave, and that really made him unhappy.

Most of what he knew about Dave he had learned from someone else. John. Rose. Terezi. It depended on what kind of _thing_ it was that he had learned, most of the more serious stuff about Dave he had learned from Rose. Some of the more mundane stuff he had learned from John or Terezi. Things like his grade point average or favorite color. Mundane shit.

Just then, the bell rings. It makes Karkat sigh, but in the next second he’s blushing up a storm. Dave had leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek.

“We’re alone,” Dave whispered, “so I thought, why not?”

“You smooth motherfucker,” Karkat shakes his head, glaring without really meaning to. It only makes Dave laugh as he pops to his feet.

“See you at lunch.”

He watches Dave leave, and slowly rises to his own feet. He only gets so far before he’s stopped by a hand, a fist wrapping around his shirt collar and pressing up against his throat. It had been awhile since he’d been manhandled by someone bigger than him, especially at school, it was almost refreshing.

Some big jock, one of those big idiots that have nothing better to do than pick on someone a good foot shorter than them.

Karkat quickly grabs at the hand pressing against his throat, trying to stop the feeling of air being squeezed out of his lungs. His heart was racing, and the guy in front of him seemed to realize that, and it only made him press harder.

“Piece of shit, aren’t you?” The guy says with a smirk, “I don’t like your gay ass in my school.”

Karkat can’t breathe, and can’t reply to the idiot’s bullshit.

“You keep your shitty faggotry out of my halls, and I won’t hurt you, deal?” The guy grins a foul smelling smile, letting Karkat go.

The bully retreats, laughing, while Karkat is left gasping with a hand against his throat, trying to calm his racing heart. It made him want to scream, but also, it filled him with a new energy, a new rage. He’d been too comfortable here, hadn’t he? He had gotten too soft, too willing to let shit fly right by him.

It was about time that stopped.

He turns, about ready to fucking fight somebody. He starts towards the guy that had pushed him, but the moment he spots him, Karkat realizes how many people are with him. At least six followers. All of which were bigger than him and probably always ready to fucking kill somebody.

No, Karkat was not looking to die today.

With an inaudible groan, Karkat just continues to class. He would also not like to get detention, that would not be nice either.

He swallows back the number of swears he could, and continues off to class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long! just got home from school so i've been spending loads of time sleeping and spending time with family.  
> hope you liked this chapter... at first i had thought about having kankri be karkat's foster brother since in fanfics usually k+k are brothers, but i figured that didn't make much sense considering karkat is a foster kid. so thus i decided gamzee would be a better place for that.  
> ill upload the next chapter in no more than a week. thanks for reading/commenting!


	13. A Knight In Dark Sunglasses

Dave noticed the moment Karkat sat beside him at lunch something was incredibly wrong. The energy around him was different, since the few hours when they last saw each other, something had changed. Immediately, Dave felt a hurt that came from absolutely no where, although he doesn’t know why he begins to feel that way. It came from looking at Karkat, as if Dave felt exactly what he was feeling, just by looking at Karkat’s face.

“You okay?” Dave whispers, nudging his leg against Karkat’s under the table.

Very slowly, Karkat nods back, but he doesn’t say a word in reply. Of course, Dave knew this only validated his initial assumption. Something that happened, something… bad? Something wrong. Something had happened.

“I know you’re lying,” Dave hisses, and watches a shift in Karkat’s face.

Karkat’s gaze hardens to a glare, and for a moment, Dave sees the anger behind his expression. He was furious, but Karkat wouldn’t admit it out loud, for some reason.

“I’m gonna go get my lunch,” Karkat mumbles back, for some reason, no swear leaking into his statement.

Not replying, Dave returns to his own lunch, quietly eating while conversation continues around them. He feels incredibly tense, anxiety clutching at his chest as he waits for Karkat to return, and continuing to feel useless. Something was  _ wrong  _ and Karkat was keeping it from him.

A huge burst of laughter starts up on the other side of the cafeteria, but Dave tries to ignore it. The noise was only distracting him from the problem at hand and it annoyed him. He wanted it to be quiet so he could only think about ways to help Karkat, and continue to wonder what was wrong.

“Dave,” Rose whispers, then again, nudging his shoulder, “Dave!”

“What?” Dave snaps back, and looks up to see her finger up, pointing towards the laughter.

Whipping his head around, he watches as Karkat, on the other side of the room, gets pushed, then tripped, and goes sprawling. The basketball team around him starts laughing even louder when he hits the ground.

All Dave could see was red, not to mention being absolutely dizzy with rage, unable to stop himself from slapping his hands down on the lunch table to push himself to his feet. He doesn’t hear John mutter a swear under his breath, nor does he notice as John and Sollux follow behind as Dave marched over to the prick called Brandon who decided to harm his boyfriend.

“Are you okay?” Dave asks Karkat to start, pushing down his anger just enough to see if he was uninjured. If he was, boy would Brandon miss the light of day.

“Fine,” Karkat nods, helping himself to his feet.

God, Dave knew he was lying. He knew that Karkat wanted to scream at the boy who had tripped him. Karkat and Dave both wanted to scream until they were red in the face and ready to let fists fly, even if they got hurt themselves.

If only Dave had the peripheral vision to be able to do that. If only he could feel when his feet were on the ground, and knew that he wasn’t going to float away. If only Dave felt that he wasn’t about to fall at any moment. If only Dave had the balance he once had a year and a half ago.

Dave turns to look at Brandon, feeling his jaw crack from how hard he was clenching it. He couldn’t stand the guy, watching his smug grin, his eyes watching as if waiting for Dave to throw a punch.

One step at a time, until he was directly in front of Brandon, so he could stare him right in the eyes, but Brandon couldn’t stare back into his. He would only be able to see his own reflection while watching Dave watch him.

“If you ever hurt him,” Dave starts, “I will personally see to it that you will no longer have hands to touch anyone ever again.”

Had he not been wearing sunglasses, Brandon would have seen the dead look in Dave’s eyes as he held back his blink.

“I’m calling your bluff,” Brandon replies, just as Dave starts to turn away, only to turn right back.

“You do  _ not  _ want to test me,” Dave spits, walking nearly close to be able to kiss Brandon, had he wanted to. The closeness only made Brandon back up. Of course, a sign of weakness as Dave saw it, a sign that Brandon didn’t really want to fight, when Dave very much did want to.

Dave was angry at Brandon, but mostly at himself.

The bullying didn’t bother him. It was almost normal to him, almost like relief. As if he were thinking:  _ thank God, I’m being bullied again.  _ It was just that:  _ thank God people are treating me like I’m not fragile. _

Stupid, but he felt like he was being noticed, and he liked it. He quickly realized it wasn’t good, and it wasn’t a relief for Karkat.

He hated that he had been too dense to miss it, too fucking stupid to see that something was wrong with Karkat. His boyfriend was being bullied, and growing up in the system, maybe that meant Karkat didn’t see a reason to tell on those that were hurting him.

Dave wanted to take all his rage out on someone, and the closest meat-sack to him happened to be the very boy that had just caused his boyfriend harm.

“Dave, he’s not worth it,” John says quickly, hand wrapping around Dave’s bicep to try and tug him back. “Bro’s gonna kill you if you get expelled for fighting, you already have three strikes on your record,” John tugs again as he says it, and it doesn’t take long for Dave to realize that he was right.

“You’re lucky you didn’t hurt him,” Dave hisses, turning away again.

This time, he keeps on the path and puts his hand in Karkat’s to pull him away. John and Sollux were in tow as they walked out of the lunch room and towards the bathrooms.

Dave pulls off his sunglasses upon entering, so he can look into Karkat’s eyes and ask him to speak honestly.

“Are you really okay?” Dave whispers, squeezing the hand that was still in Karkat’s.

“I’ve had worse,” Karkat shrugs, glancing down at the floor. He adds softly, “You didn’t have to fuckin’ do that.”

“I didn’t really think about whether or not the action would raise issues,” Dave sighs. “I just didn’t realize you were getting harassed, too.”

“What--” Karkat’s eyes snap up to look at Dave in the eyes. “What do you—Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dave echoes. “I didn’t think it was important enough to start a conversation.”

“Same here,” Karkat snaps back, crossing his arms over his chest. The action, the reply, only makes Dave let out a large sigh and stare up at the ceiling for a moment.

Who even knew what Karkat had been through, other than simple taunting and name calling. For all Dave knew, he’d gone through so much worse, not to mention being in foster homes, Karkat had to be used to all that shit. Not to mention keeping quiet about it. Who would listen to a kid that’s been tossed around like a rotten egg his entire life?

“From now on, we tell each other when something bad happens to us, alright?” Dave whispers, looking back down at Karkat. He reaches out to touch his arm as Karkat nods.

Dave takes a few steps closer and kisses Karkat’s forehead, pulling him into a hug that Karkat gratefully accepts.

“Or something good,” Dave adds quietly. “You can always tell me about good things that happen to you, too.”

“I figured that was self-explanatory,” Karkat smiles, pulling back. He had his hands around Dave still, and they move so that he had his fingers wrapped around Dave’s hands, swinging at their sides.

They leave then, hearing the bell ring for the end of lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments and kudos. Love you all <3


	14. Love Is All You Need

Karkat comes home rubbing his lower back. He’d hit the ground hard when Brandon tripped him, and worried only slightly that he broke something. That would be hard to explain to his foster parents, for sure. 

There was a strict  _ no fighting  _ policy in the house. It was another set of rules that Eliza and Greg had made clear in the beginning. No fighting, no sneaking out, no lying, no stealing… it was all pretty self explanatory, but of course it needed saying. Karkat had met some pretty sketchy people being in the system, and he supposed he was one of them. He’d gotten his ass handed to him more times than he cares to admit, but he also managed to get the upper hand in a good amount of fights, too.

Sighing a little, Karkat hardly realizes there’s someone else home before he goes into the kitchen. He nearly jumps when he sees Gamzee sitting at the counter, but manages not to just in time, and turns to the fridge.

“Just get home?” Karkat asks, turning just in time to see Gamzee shake his head  _ no. _ Karkat realizes that he’s never seen Gamzee leave the house, and decides on a different question instead.

“Do you go to school?” Karkat continues, pulling out a gatorade from the fridge, and turns again to see Gamzee once again shake his head.

“Homeschool?”

Gamzee nods this time, keeping a close watch as Karkat walks towards the counter and leans over it, resting his elbows on the cold table top. As if anxious, Gamzee pulls his long sleeves over his hands, eyes twitching away and back again. His breathing was slightly too fast, and obvious in the silence. The sweat dampening his forehead was obvious as well. 

Slowly, Karkat turns and goes to the fridge again, this time pulling out a water bottle. He opens it and places it in front of Gamzee, who reaches for it with shaking fingers. 

He was having a panic attack, but managing to keep his cool somehow. A million different thoughts flood through Karkat’s mind, a load of different reasons and scenarios for why Gamzee would be trying to hide something so serious.

Maybe… maybe it was Greg and Eliza? They’re extremely supportive, extremely kind, but… there reached a point that Karkat had noticed himself, where he felt guilty for their kindness. Gamzee had to have noticed the same thing, maybe in a worse way, a way that had fucked with his head.

“You don’t have to hide,” Karkat says softly, looking down at his gatorade in his hands. He didn’t want to look at Gamzee and freak him out more. “Your parents love you, and they want you…” 

He didn’t want to say ‘ _ be okay.’  _ He thought that would be more guilt tripping and just make it worse than it was before. 

“They want you to trust them,” Karkat decides, speaking softly. “They just worry about you…” Karkat trails off, unsure where he wanted to go after the first statement. 

In the silence, Karkat’s eyes twitch up to look at Gamzee. This time, he can’t fight it, and flinches, jumping back.

Gamzee was glaring right at Karkat, a godforsaken death glare, with all the rage and anger that could possibly be inside one person. The chair seems to scrape back before Gamzee even makes the conscious decision to get up, his legs moving before his face reacts to his actions.

Unable to realize what he’s doing, Karkat simply stands there dumbly, watching and waiting as Gamzee comes towards him. Hands slowly wrap around Karkat’s shirt collar as a force pushes him backwards, back landing hard against the refrigerator.

The look Gamzee was giving him seemed to tell him a million things at once, and despite the pain in his back, Karkat wasn’t angry for once. He understood that expression on Gamzee’s face, perhaps better than Gamzee himself realized.

Karkat wanted to do something,  _ anything, _ that would show Gamzee that he meant well, that he understood the unsaid words. He spends two seconds staring up at Gamzee before he becomes panicked again. Jerkily, Gamzee removes his fingers from Karkat’s shirt, separating himself from the room in a split second.

Gulping, Karkat is left, still pressed to the fridge out of shock, unable to move at all. Even after Gamzee was gone and in his room, separated from the world with a closed bedroom door, Karkat saw Gamzee’s expression.

His face said,  _ I’m trying.  _ He was in pain because of how hard he was  _ trying  _ to trust them. Years he’d spent here, and because of the pain he went through before he came here, it made it hard for him to trust anyone. Whatever had happened, all he could do was  _ try.  _ Karkat saw that. He wanted to tell Gamzee that, and for some reason, couldn’t.

Gamzee only came out for dinner later that night, and not again for the entire night. He stays in his room with his door shut tight, but taking care not to slam it. He’d hidden his panic attack from Eliza and Greg and so did Karkat. 

When at last, it was time to go to bed, Karkat found himself laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. It became apparent he couldn’t sleep because, amidst the sounds of the city outside his room, he heard something else. It was soft, subtle, no doubt his foster parents were completely deaf to the noise. Karkat was not.

A very soft sound of crying was coming from next door. It came with the sound of sobbing, not just the basic sniffles, but the muffled sort of sob that definitely made it seem like Gamzee was sobbing hard into a pillow. It was a horrible, gut wrenching noise that pulled at Karkat’s conscience and his heart.

Clenching his jaw hard, Karkat pushes himself to his feet. He didn’t care if Gamzee fought him, he would do this one thing for him.

Karkat leaves his room and moves a few feet down the hall to knock softly on the other door. There was no answer, but he was sure the muffled sobbing had silenced. He breaks one of the rules Eliza had told him day one, and enters the room. After all, the door wasn’t locked. He shuts the door once more behind him.

The room was in a further state of disarray since the last time Karkat saw it. There were more clothes, more bottles of soda, and the various objects strewn around were a little more scattered than before. Karkat manages to ignore all of this, carefully stepping over the objects to the few bits of blank carpet there were left, and he moves towards the trembling figure on the bed.

The boy was sitting up in bed, and had a hand wrapped around his middle, digging his nails into his skin while the other hand swipes at his cheeks and eyes. He wasn’t trying to hide his sniffles, or the way his chest was rising and falling rapidly, the way his lip was quivering, or his tears.

Karkat sits down on the edge of his bed, waiting for a second before he speaks. 

“Can I give you a hug?” He whispers, and to his surprise, Gamzee doesn’t hit him. He seems to consider the question, and seconds pass before, with a new stream of tears, Gamzee opens his mouth.

“Why do you want to?” Gamzee asks, his voice hoarse.

“I think you need one,” Karkat whispers.

“People always think they know what I need--” Gamzee starts to complain, growl, and get angry.

“Does that mean you don’t want a hug?” 

The question stops Gamzee, making him freeze. His jaw trembles as if he was cold, and he considers the question again. This time, Karkat starts to make the decision for him by moving closer, holding his arms out slightly. 

It doesn’t take long before Gamzee realizes he does want it, and accepts it, shivering and all. His hands grip Karkat tightly, and Karkat matches the strength. He needed it, Karkat knew, the physical contact. As often as Karkat had seen his foster parents around Gamzee, they didn’t hug him or touch him. In the hospital, they for sure didn’t hug him there, either. 

The panic of being out of the hospital, combined with the lack of physical touch, with Karkat invading his home life on top of that, and probably a million other characteristics… No wonder Gamzee was breaking down. 

Without knowing why, Karkat feels compelled to put his hand to Gamzee’s head and gently pet him, nails digging in very sparingly to give him little head scratches. It seems to do the trick, because Gamzee sniffles a little more, dropping his head onto Karkat’s shoulder, arms still tight around his middle.

It’s hard to say whether or not Gamzee relaxes throughout the hug fest, but he doesn’t let go too easily, so Karkat is sure it’s helping.   
His breathing starts to go gentle, at last, hands going slack and dropping to Karkat’s waist. Like he’s a baby, Karkat can’t help but keep Gamzee there for another thirty seconds at least, unsure if he was sleeping or simply didn’t want him to let go. Either way, Karkat really doesn’t want to release him.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have to make the decision.

“Are you going to tell them I talked?” Gamzee whispers, cheek leaning in such a way on Karkat’s shoulder that he can feel his jaw moving with each word.

“Not if you don’t want me to,” Karkat replies, seriously wondering why he didn’t talk, but not wanting to scare him if he asks. It was the last thing he wanted to do. He had made a strangely big amount of progress in such a short time that Karkat wants to take advantage of it as much as he can.

Seconds pass, but still Gamzee was hugging Karkat. Once more, Karkat remembers the look on Gamzee’s face when he had pushed him, when he was having that panic attack and looking so angry.

“I know you’re trying,” Karkat finds himself saying, “I know that… everyone expects something from you, or expects you act a certain way. You don’t have to do what everyone expects you to, or what they think is best for you. You’re trying, and that’s what’s important.”

Gamzee’s hands tighten around Karkat again, body still trembling slightly.

“Thank you,” Gamzee whispers, Karkat nodding in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for 100 kudos!


	15. Boys Need Hugs Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay.

Another dizzy spell (dizzier-than-normal) prevented Dave from getting up on time. He woke up like usual, but fell out of bed, unable to feel his feet on the ground and unable to see what he was doing with his hands. It took mere minutes this time, and thankfully he didn’t pass out. It was hard to stand up, but he manages. 

Thirty minutes after school starts, and Dave is just getting out of his room to get a glass of water from the kitchen. His phone is madly buzzing in his pocket, probably with texts, but he’s too in the zone to really notice. 

By the time he sits down at the kitchen table, another ten minutes has passed by, and he finally gets the urge to check his phone.

A few texts from Rose, another few from John, another ten from Karkat. He smiles a little, realizing how much they care about him, and sends the three of them a quick text explaining that he’ll be late to school today.

_ If I go at all,  _ Dave sighs, frowning down at the table. He did feel nauseous, but he knows that’s only because of his dizziness. He probably wouldn’t eat anything today, and he would probably end up puking if he still feels nauseous later tonight. That’s how it always goes, how it always would.

He blinks his eyes a couple times, and looks up, suddenly confused.

Time had passed, and a glance at his phone tells him it’s been hours. Did he really just faint, sitting here at the table? 

_ Fuck,  _ he thinks, sending another text to his friends to tell them he won’t be there at all. The text takes much longer than it should, the threat of unconsciousness wading in the corners of his eyes. 

Slowly, he lets his phone drop and his head as well. His forehead lands softly, with a gentle thud that tells him it’s safe to close his eyes. He releases himself from trying not to faint, knowing he can’t fight it forever. He would deal with the fact that his back would hurt later, he would deal with the consequences only when he had to. 

It had to be hours later by the time he wakes up, maybe minutes, he has no idea. 

A hand touches his shoulder, a voice calling his name.

“C’mon, sport, let’s get you to the couch,” the hand pulls him from table as he says it. Dave only vaguely realizes it’s Jake, still too dizzy to comprehend the owner of the voice or where he’s going.

Dave plops down on the cushion, and reaches up to rub at one of his eyes, then both. When he pulls his hands back, Jake is standing in front of him, offering him sunglasses and a glass of water.

“Dirk called and said the school called him, told him you didn’t come to school today,” Jake says, sitting down next to Dave after he takes both objects from him. “I was in the area anyway, so I thought it would be a good idea if I dropped by, see what happened.”

Dave slowly puts his glasses on, and keeps the glass of water on his lap. He knows it won’t help and so he just stares at it.

“Kept fainting,” Dave whispers, but Jake knew that already. “I tried to get up for school, but I just ended up fainting anyway.”

Frowning down at the glass, Dave realizes how nauseous he really is. He feels like he’s really going to puke, and it’s strong enough that he can’t speak another word. He merely holds the glass out to Jake, who takes it while asking questions that Dave pays absolutely no attention to.

Dave stands up, a little too fast. Used to being dizzy, of course, Dave just keeps walking, pushing his way into the bathroom to throw up into the toilet.

All that comes up is food from yesterday, some water, stomach acid. It burns his throat and goes into his nose, burning every time he takes a breath, filling his nose with the scent of throw up. His eyes sting, and he hardly thinks about the sunglasses still perched on the end of his nose.

He falls back on his butt and pushes his glasses up to his forehead as his hands cover his eyes. Burning tears fill his eyes and push their way out of his tear ducts to coat his cheeks. His arms were shaking, and his chest was full of anxiety, his heart racing like a horse and making him cry harder. 

Jake flushes the toilet, and walks over to sit right beside Dave on the bathroom floor. He wraps an arm around Dave’s shoulders, rubbing his hand up and down as he makes soothing sounds. After about a minute of doing that, Dave leans his head towards Jake, only to have him pull Dave more towards his chest to hug him tightly.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Jake whispers, after Dave nearly stops shivering.

“I hate puking,” Dave whispers, feeling his tears start to come back.

Jake laughs softly, leaning his chin on top of Dave’s head. 

“I can see why you’d hate that,” Jake sighs. “Is that all?”

Dave pauses, suddenly unsure. He felt sad and anxious but… not because of puking, right? There was something else eating at him, something about school. 

Maybe it was the fact that he was getting bullied again, but as far as he knew, he had handled that. Last week he had dealt with those bullies, and hopefully Karkat was alright today in school without him. He was small and fiery and could get in trouble far more easily without knowing how to keep his head down.

But he would be okay, right? He hadn’t gotten in serious trouble before, not really, and there was always the others that could take care of him if the time came.

“Yeah,” Dave murmurs, not wanting to tell him all the reasons why he wanted to cry more. 

“Alright,” Jake whispers, sighing a little as he pulls his hand from Dave’s shoulder to reach a hand out to grab something next to him.

Jake hands Dave the once unwelcome glass of water, and this time Dave grabs for it eagerly. He slowly rises to his feet while filling his mouth with water, spitting the now vile liquid into the sink. He drinks again, swishing it in his mouth a couple times before once more spitting it out. The third time he puts the cup to his lips, he gulps down all the water, thankful now for it. 

As Dave decides it’s probably best to brush his teeth as well, he hears a knock on the front door. Jake leaves the bathroom to answer it, and the voices talking back and forth are significantly muffled so far away. Dave doesn’t hear a word, instead just focusing on the process of brushing his teeth.

“Your friends are here,” Jake’s voice suddenly appears beside Dave again. “I told them I would ask if you felt well enough to have them over before I let them in.”

“I’m okay,” Dave answers, mouth full of foam as he turns to Jake and nods. The reply comes with a bit of toothpaste, which makes Jake smile as he leaves.

Spitting, and once again washing his mouth with water, Dave feels a little bit better. He doesn’t feel as nauseous anymore. The dizziness has dissipated a bit as well, or at least his need to faint. 

When he leaves the bathroom, he’s greeted by a chorus of “hey Dave!”

But most of all, Karkat skips towards him and gives him a hug around his middle, and with his glasses back on, Dave squeezes his eyes tight, realizing how relieved he feels being able to hug Karkat right now.

“Are you sick?” Karkat asks when he pulls slightly away, but his hands don’t leave Dave quite yet.

“Just really dizzy,” Dave sighs. “I kept fainting; didn’t get further than the kitchen table.” 

Karkat leans in again to give him another hug, mumbling his apologies for his shitty day. Again, Dave is just grateful for contact, and leans his chin into Karkat’s forehead.

“You guys didn’t really have to come all the way here,” Dave says to his friends, glad his eyes were covered so that they couldn’t see how red they were, or how wet they were becoming again.

“What? Was that really an option?” Terezi asks, as Kanaya shushes her gently. “I’m just kidding…” her mumble is drowned out by the others.

“We were all worried about you,” Rose says over Terezi. 

“It was Karkat’s idea to come see you, but we were all for it,” John admits, smiling wide. 

“Thanks,” Dave smiles, feeling his face burn realizing how much they care about him. 

“Wanna watch a movie or something?” Karkat asks, looking up at him.

“As long as it’s not The Hunger Games,” Dave replies, earning an eager nod from Karkat.

“I hate to be the party pooper,” Kanaya speaks up quickly, “but I have an essay due tomorrow I haven’t started.” 

“Oh shoot!” Rose exclaims, eyes going wide, turning back to look at Dave and Karkat.

“It’s fine,” Dave smiles genuinely. “School is definitely important. I have a bunch to do, too.”

Rose leaps forwards to give him a hug, while John and Terezi also share their goodbyes. 

In seconds, everyone is gone except Karkat, Jake having gone into Dirk’s room when everyone else showed up.

“I’d much rather just watch a movie,” Dave admits softly.

“But your homework?”

“I just have some math questions to do, nothing due tomorrow as far as I know,” Dave sighs, running his fingers through his hair.

“Alright, but if you flunk it’s your own fucking fault,” Karkat scolds, rolling his eyes slightly.

Karkat goes to the collection of DVDs, pulling a few out that he likes and shouting out the names to Dave. For nearly every DVD, Karkat ends up putting it back, not because Dave doesn’t like it, but because Karkat decides against it. After a while, Dave realizes that it’s because he’s looking for something a little bit more… romancey. Or whatever Karkat considered to be romantic enough. 

Laying down on the couch, Dave watches Karkat flick through the movies, and finally,  _ finally,  _ pulls one out that he doesn’t put back.

“ _ Midnight in Paris _ ?” Karkat reads, looking over at Dave.

“A writer who visits Paris in the present day travels back to Paris in the 1920s every day at midnight,” Dave answers. “He meets people like, uh, Picasso and Hemingway and has an affair with Picasso’s lover and shit like that.”

Laughing a little, Karkat nods and pops it into the player.

Walking back to Dave, Karkat plops down on the other end of the couch and crawls towards Dave. He wiggles his way into the place between Dave and the back of the couch, that way he can cuddle Dave and still see the screen.

Once Dave hits play on the remote and the movie starts, all he wants to do is cuddle with Karkat. Or maybe do a little more than that.

He lasts, eh, ten minutes tops. But to be fair: Karkat initiated it.

Karkat starts by gently breathing against Dave’s neck and cheek, pressing his nose into Dave’s skin, leaning into him slightly in other places. Unable to resist the temptation, Dave slides his fingers around waist and moving it down his backside. As if reacting to the touch and agreeing to it, Karkat leans into Dave again, his breathing hitching a little.

Dave turns his head, trying to tilt his body at the same time so he can completely face Karkat and see him, only to find the image dark, hard to see, disappointing. Dizziness suddenly too easy to ignore, Dave pushes his glasses to the top of his head with his one free hand.

Karkat’s cheeks had filled with color, growing more pink as Dave’s uncovered eyes stare back and move closer. A hand presses to Dave’s cheek, bringing him even closer to Karkat’s slightly separated lips. Gently, Karkat closes the distance, moving his lips slow against Dave’s. 

He could feel Karkat’s breath against his face, becoming a little fast when Dave decides to kiss back. The movie hid the sound of their kissing as far as Dave could tell, but he didn’t care, not when he could rub his hand down Karkat’s thigh all he wanted. 

Karkat makes a noise like an uncomfortable sigh when Dave moves against him, and their kissing stops for a moment. Their breathing was matched in intensity, mouths poised, waiting.

It takes less than a second for Dave to decide to move his lips back to touch Karkat’s, trying to ignore the heat spreading to every inch of his body at once.

Dave rubs his hand down Karkat’s thigh, pulling gently to make Karkat move it, wrapping it around Dave’s waist. Leaning into him, Karkat was breathing heavily, gasping softly as Dave moves. It was difficult to go slow, but Dave wanted that, he wanted to cherish every single moment.

Just as Dave realizes how much he hates the layers of fabric separating them, Karkat’s phone starts ringing loudly in his pocket.

Karkat snaps away from Dave, letting a gentle sigh leave his mouth before pulling back a little and reaching into his pocket. 

“Hello?” Karkat asks, managing to hide his labored breathing. 

“Be right there,” Karkat continues after a pause, looking so  _ outrageously  _ disappointed.

He hangs up the phone and turns back to Dave, to which Dave answering with his own placid stare, hand rubbing up Karkat’s thigh again. He knew without saying that Karkat had to leave, it was getting late and his foster parents worry easily. 

“Greg’s outside,” Karkat says softly, “I forgot he was taking me to Home Depot to get paint.”

“You better get going then, hm?” Dave replies, starting to pull his hand away. Immediately Karkat’s hand settles on top of it, pushing it slightly so it would stay still, right there on his thigh.

He doesn’t say anything, only pausing for a while to stare before leaning in again for another kiss. It seemed desperate, scared. They were interrupted, nothing happened, so did that mean Karkat thought Dave would get tired of him if they didn’t do anything?

One look at Karkat as Dave pulls away, he sees the look in his eyes and knows immediately, that is exactly what Karkat fears.

“I’m gonna think about you all night,” Dave murmurs, unable to keep the truth from Karkat much longer. The statement makes Karkat blush, immediately and beet red, but at the same time, relief fills his expression. 

Dave leans in again to once more press his lips to Karkat’s, tightening his hand on Karkat’s thigh to pull him in close against him. A sharp sigh leaves Karkat’s nose, a smile on his face when Dave finally pulls back.


	16. Some things may be best left alone

“Have you even done the do?” Terezi asks, making a face at Karkat. “I mean how can you  _ know  _ you like him like that?”

Karkat either wants to punch her or just walk away. If he did either, it would probably have the same kind of effect: Terezi getting pissed, and also Terezi getting him back in some way. He can barely manage an eye roll as he tries to think of an appropriate response to Terezi’s question.

“I just know,” Karkat whispers, unable to yell at her like usual. Her question didn’t warrant a shout or any creative insult Karkat could muster up.

“But how?”

“I have to get to class,” Karkat says quickly, turning and walking away. 

Her questions didn’t make any sense, not to mention how insensitive they were. Karkat had no idea if Terezi meant it that way, she rarely did, but when it did happen that way, it always stung a little.

Karkat waits in an alcove in front of a classroom, waiting for the last class to leave, and for the bell to ring. He’d skipped the last few minutes of his last class, not that any of the teachers really cared, for whatever reason.

As he waits, he notices a familiar voice, and starts walking out of the alcove to get a better listen. His feet stop dead when he realizes it’s Dave and John, and they’re talking about… John’s feelings.

“Dave, I’m not lying,” John was saying. “I’m in love with you.”

For about three seconds, Dave is silent. Thinking about it, Karkat is sure. What did his face look like, was it angry, in pain, or happy?

“Why?” Dave asks, but when John doesn’t continue, Dave continues. “Why now? Why do you have to do this  _ now?” _

“I needed to tell you.”

Karkat hears Dave breathe out an aggravated sigh.

“You are such a dick; do you realize that?” Dave sounded so angry, so unlike himself. “I am in a relationship. Do you expect something to come from this? I’m not a cheater, John. I would never do that to Karkat, and you, as my  _ best  _ friend, should never have put me in this position. You  _ know  _ I had feelings for you, and you were extremely clear you wanted none of me.”

Karkat feels his heart drop into his stomach, and he leans hard against the wall. His eyes begin to burn, either from emotion or not blinking, he didn’t take the time to think about it.

“If you’re expecting me to fall for you again, you’re dumber than I thought,” Dave says, sounding completely frustrated. “Karkat is my boyfriend, and I’m serious about him. I know I’m starting to fall for him, and you can’t fuck that up for me.”

“That was never my intention,” John whispers.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to tell Karkat about this,” Dave says, still angry. Karkat can feel himself jump when Dave says his name again. “It’s fucking stupid to keep this from him, and I can’t have this screw up our relationship or come back to bite me in the ass.”

“I understand,” John says, still speaking softly.

“Please forget about your feelings for me,” Dave whispers back, almost too softly that Karkat couldn’t hear him. “Fall in love with someone who can reciprocate. It’ll be better for you that way.”

Karkat can feel his lip start to quiver, a burning anger starting deep in his chest. Even when the bell rings and people start flooding into the hallway, Karkat is stuck, staring at the floor. He’s not even sure why he’s angry. He just is and he wants to punch Dave for some reason.

“Karkat?” Rose’s voice makes him look up. “What’s wrong?”

“John’s in love with Dave,” Karkat answers, and Rose’s eyebrows go from being pinched together to relax and move upwards, her eyes getting wide. “I guess Dave liked him at one point,” Karkat continues, shaking his head.

“Have you talked to Dave about this?”

“I overheard them talking,” Karkat shakes his head again. “I overheard him say he would talk to me about it, but…” He trails off, wishing he could just  _ scream  _ because of how much he likes Dave, and how frustrating this all was. He knew he didn’t have to worry about Dave, but he had to worry about John, of all people.

“Talk to him,” Rose frowns, seeming almost as annoyed as Karkat felt with himself. “As soon as possible. Okay?”

Karkat nods, following Rose into the classroom.

Needless to say, it’s all Karkat can think about the rest of the day. Until the moment where he’s standing at his locker, ready to go the fuck home, he feels a hand on his shoulder. At first, he expects it to be Dave. But no.

“Hey, Terezi,” Karkat frowns, seeing only Terezi’s angry expression.

“If you haven’t done it, how do you know you like him?” Terezi asks, frowning.

“I just know,” Karkat shakes his head, confused. “It’s not that hard to figure something like that out. I like being with him, spending time with him, he always makes me laugh…”

Terezi just keeps frowning.

“Why are you so interested in him all of a sudden?”

Karkat gets a bad feeling as Terezi hesitates. A feeling like a rock dropping into the pit of his stomach makes him through his hands up, sighing loudly.

“Terezi, you know I’m gay, right?”

She sighs softly, shoulders dropping a little.

“I assumed you were bi or something,” she mumbles, shrugging one shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Whatever,” Karkat shakes his head, starting to walk away. Terezi tries to grab at his shoulder, but he isn’t in the mood to talk about his sexuality or Terezi’s feelings for him, so he shrugs her off and keeps walking.

He hardly realizes when a voice is calling his name behind him, until Dave is putting a hand on his arm to slow him down.

“Shit, Karkat, what’s wrong?” Dave asks, breathless.

“Terezi,” Karkat tries to explain, shaking his head for what feels like the thousandth time. Maybe if he shakes his head enough he’ll forget all the shit he’d just experienced.

“What about Terezi?”

“She had the fucking nerve to ask me a shitload of questions about us, which only ended up with her thinking she had a fucking chance with me, which is  _ not  _ gonna happen. I basically had to scream up and down the hallway how fucking gay I am for my boyfriend--” He cuts off with the sound of Dave bursting out into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Karkat grumbles at Dave, who has a hand against his mouth, trying to hide his smile.

“I just…” Dave sighs, his smile fading, his hand dropping. “I had a similar situation today.”

“Oh.” He pauses, then says, “Really?”

Karkat frowns, wondering if that was the correct response. He had heard everything, after all. He had no idea if it was a good thing to tell Dave that he had heard, or to keep it a secret.

“Yeah, John, actually,” Dave sounds really upset about it, which just makes Karkat frown deeper. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I had a really big crush on him a few years ago.”

“What happened?” Karkat can’t help himself from asking, silently thanking him for honoring what he had said earlier, that Dave was going to tell him and come clean about it all.

“I made my feelings clear and John completely disregarded them. He didn’t want anything to do with me in that way, and…” He sighs. “I think it’s one of those things where you want what you don’t have? Like now that I’m with you, he’s panicking and thinking that he’s in love with me, but he’s really not.”

“That makes sense, I guess.” Karkat nods, slowly becoming less angry. Dave had told him the truth, and done exactly what he said he would.

No one says anything for a good minute and a half.  They’re getting progressively closer to Dave’s apartment, and Karkat has to decide where he wants to go: home, or to Dave’s. He struggles to remember what he has to do at home, mostly the reason for his silence. Dave takes it the wrong way.

“Are you mad?” Dave whispers, coming to a stop.

Karkat stops as well, turning on his heel to look at Dave’s frown. His lips were pressed into a hard line, and his hands were clenched around the straps of his backpack. What did he expect exactly? That Karkat would explode in a fit of rage and never speak to him again?

“No,” Karkat answers simply, gently shaking his head. “Why would I be mad?” He doesn’t let that question hang too long, and answers it himself. “I trust you,” Karkat shakes his head. “You came to me and told me what happened, and I did the same to you. So… I’m not mad.”

Dave lets a sigh out of his nose, nodding. His body relaxes gradually, but neither of them moves.

“Do you… wanna come inside?” Dave asks softly, seeming uncomfortable, a little worried. 

“Actually, I got paint for my room, if you wanna come to mine and help me paint?” Karkat offers. Surprisingly, Dave’s face breaks into a smile, and he nods enthusiastically.

The walk to Karkat’s felt a little lighter than the first half of it. There was less weight in Karkat’s chest, especially as he kept walking. A certain feeling creeps into Karkat’s mind, and then, suddenly, the weight comes back. 

A thought comes to his mind, one that makes him sigh softly.

Gamzee. Would Dave be unnerved by his silence? Or would Gamzee be bothered with Dave being there? Hopefully no to either. 

Just before they open the door, Karkat stops before the threshold.

“Hey, before we start,” Karkat whispers to Dave, “would it be okay if I asked if Gamzee would want to help?”

“That’s a great idea,” Dave nods, smiling. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable with the request at all, and Karkat nods back, turning once more to open the door.


	17. A Whole New World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments. I've been having a rough couple of weeks and at one point I even wanted to give up writing this. Knowing that people like it so much, it really makes me happy to keep going, and like I shouldn't give up or else I'd be letting you all down. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Without you, none of this would exist  
> <3
> 
> ((trigger warning for mentions of pills+attempted suicide))

Dave realizes at once that, uh, everything wasn’t so “great” as he thought it would be. See, the thing is, Dave had no idea that Karkat’s foster brother was exactly who he is, meaning that Dave completely blanked on the entire… “Gamzee isn’t exactly a popular name” deal. Hence. Dave and Gamzee aren’t exactly _friends_ , per say. Dave remembers the moment he spots the untamed mass of black hair, that Gamzee and he, well, they have some _history._

There’s a moment of panic in Gamzee’s eyes, a brief flash that tells Dave he remembers, too. He glances between Dave and Karkat, as if unsure what to do, how to react. The pause is full of weight, and since Gamzee doesn’t talk (as Dave remembers Karkat saying), the silence only gets thicker.

Gamzee releases the gaze first and gives a little frown, eyes turning towards the floor. His arms are dangling at his sides, and his fingers catch the sides of his jeans for a handhold, his shoulders hunching up a little.

Dave can’t look away for some reason, unsure of exactly why it is that he can’t. Maybe it’s because Gamzee looks healthier, like he’d been sleeping. Not just more sleep, but sleeping in general. When Dave knew him, it was before Gamzee went to the hospital, before he started getting help for all of the things that he needed help with. Was it just drugs or was it something else? Dave can’t remember. Does it even really matter, now that he seems to be great and better than he has been in a long time?

“Do you two fuckwads know each other?” Karkat asks, suddenly in the silence. It was more of a gasp than anything, and so sudden it almost makes Dave jump.

“Uh,” Dave tries, unsure of how to explain. He looks up at Gamzee as he looks up as well, and Dave offers a pathetic: “We know each other, I guess.”

“You guess?” Karkat sighs. “Why didn’t you mention this before, if you were friends? You could’ve come over, maybe--”

“We’re not really… friends, uh,” Dave tries, grimacing. Why was it so hard? Why did it have to be so difficult to explain?

To Dave’s surprise, he’s not left to struggle alone. In Dave’s terrible attempt to explain, not knowing if Gamzee wanted to tell his foster brother, or even what Karkat knew at all, Gamzee actually comes to the rescue. Surprisingly, although Karkat doesn’t react as if he knew that Gamzee could actually speak.

“A few years ago Dave helped me,” Gamzee explains, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “I took a bunch of pills at a party one time, and he helped me…” His voice was soft, like he didn’t want to talk at all, almost like he couldn’t. “He was the reason I started going to therapy…”

“I didn’t know that,” Dave frowns, shaking his head a little. They’d never spoken before or after that event. It was more like Dave saw Gamzee every now and then but it always seemed like he’d been getting worse, until Gamzee eventually disappeared altogether.

Gamzee shrugs a little, the air noticeably more tense and uncomfortable.

“Why didn’t you mention this before?” Karkat asks Dave, arms crossed over his chest.

“I didn’t really… think about it,” Dave tries, suddenly struggling again. “I don’t know, I guess I just kind of forgot he existed…” Dave looks over at Gamzee. “You kind of disappeared.”

Gamzee shrugs again, nodding. His eyes look away again. It was hard to be here with him, staring at him and watching him struggle to say something or maybe wait for Dave to say something else. What should he say? Should he apologize for not being there, or being his friend, or…?

“Gamzee--” Dave tries, but doesn’t get the chance to finish the thought.

In response, Gamzee merely shakes his head, turning away, back towards the back of the apartment and to his room. He leaves in such a manner that Dave doesn’t even try to call him back. It wouldn’t be worth it, it wouldn’t be kind to make him suffer through any apology that Dave could manage to muster up.

Karkat steps in front of Dave and places his hand on Dave’s arm, breaking his gaze from the retreating back of Gamzee. Very slowly, Dave turns his head down, to look back at Karkat and his angry glare.

“Why are you so awkward?” Karkat hisses, as if trying to keep the conversation from Gamzee. “Why do you have to be so rude to him?”

“I’m really not trying to be,” Dave barks back, huffing out a sigh. “How else would you react to seeing someone you stopped from killing themselves? Hm? He was just as awkward to me!”

“You could have handled it better, that’s all I’m saying,” Karkat replies, shaking his head. “You could have-you could have--”

“See? Even you’re tongue tied,” Dave sighs, letting the heavy air hang a little. “Do you even know what it’s like to have someone passed out in your lap as you call 911?”

He pauses, and Karkat just stares up at him.

“It’s terrifying, I’ll tell you that,” Dave glances down at the ground, not realizing he’d gotten quiet. “He said I just helped him, but it was more like I stopped him from dying. It was fucking…” His heart was starting to race, he could still feel how the adrenaline was racing through his veins that night.

That had to have been three years ago at this point, the end of Freshmen year. They were all just babies then, just kids. Hell, they were still kids, still unsure and still waiting for the other one to speak when something goes wrong.

Again, Dave lets out a loud sigh. He turns away and towards the hallway, following the path that Gamzee had taken mere minutes before. He knocks on the door before he can stop himself.

The door opens almost right away, as if Gamzee were standing right there, waiting for someone to knock. The realization just makes it easier to say the words Dave wants to get out of his system.

“I’m sorry I didn’t check up on you,” Dave says, heart still racing. “If it matters at all, you look really healthy, and you look really good, and it makes me incredibly happy to see that. I don’t regret helping you, at all, and no, you didn’t exactly stop existing in my mind. I had my own issues to worry about, which definitely sounds like a cop-out, but…” he sighs gently. “You look like you’re doing better.”

Gamzee looks at him, eyeing him up and down for a couple seconds before responding.

“I am,” he nods a little. “Thanks.” Another short pause. “For that night and for saying those things. I admit I didn’t feel hurt knowing that you didn’t come by. We all have our own lives to worry about.”

Dave nods, his heart starting to slow with every word that Gamzee says. He almost gets stuck, about to awkwardly turn away, but Karkat beats him to it.

“Now that we’re all friends, do you want to help Dave and me paint my room?” Karkat asks, a smile in his voice as he leans his cheek into Dave’s arm.

Gamzee nods in response, a very small smile creeping to his face, even as he glances at Dave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to sburbanite for helping me with grammar-type stuff (maybe one day i'll get good at this shit)


	18. So You Had A Bad Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been having a real shitty time for the past week (no clue why, just kinda happens sometimes). 
> 
> With that in mind, my writing sometimes reflects how I'm feeling, so...
> 
> Trigger Warning!: panic attacks, anxiety, etc etc etc etc

“Where are you applying?” Dave asks, the question quite sudden in the current silence of Dave’s bedroom. 

For once, they were actually doing homework and there’d been no make out sessions (yet). There were papers due to the school counselors, plus applications and midterms were coming up. They both needed the chance to actually do school work and focus on something other than making out with each other.

“Not sure yet,” Karkat says softly, looking down at the list of colleges he’d been making for the past year. The worn piece of notebook paper looks sad and damaged. The same five colleges have been written down, crossed out, rewritten, new ones added only to be crossed out again... It was the same pattern, and Karkat was no where near ready to actually say what he wanted for a college, _if_ he even wanted that.

“What about you?” Karkat decides to ask at the last second.

“Same,” Dave replies with a sigh, turning back around to stare at the laptop on his desk.

For once, Karkat isn’t angry when he looks down at the list. There were a thousand cross-outs and a million more erases. He has no idea where he wants to go, what he wants to study, what he wants to do with his life. Sure, he’s in the State’s hands so he’ll be able to get a scholarship, hopefully it’ll mean he can go to school on a free ride, but… 

He glances back up at Dave, unsure of why he does so right at that moment. They’d been dating three months now. Time had passed so quickly, so suddenly, with school and with worrying about Gamzee and his own problems, Karkat noticed how often he spent with Dave as well. 

There were few instances when the two were actually apart, aside from nights and during class. Other than that, they were almost always together. 

What would happen after high school? Would they even be together anymore?

Karkat doesn’t want to think about it, and shuts the notebook quickly, shoving it into his bag before flopping down onto the bed. He closes his eyes the moment his head hits the pillow, not wanting to think anymore about college or the future. It honestly hurt to think about, and he doesn’t want to do it anymore. He wants to sleep forever and forget about life for awhile.

“Done studying?” Dave asks, a smile in his voice.

Karkat turns onto his side, opening his eyes a little to look at Dave. He nods gently in response, but makes no other comment. Karkat’s heart hurt a little while looking at him, unsure of what exactly he wants, in general and right now. There were too many decisions to make, too many problems that could go wrong. Everything felt so good the past three months, and Karkat starts to wonder if his luck is going to run out any time soon.

The chair squeaks as Dave rises to his feet, making his way over to where Karkat lay on the bed. His body moves to rest against Karkat’s, the heat of his body making Karkat lean towards him, realizing suddenly how he felt. 

He was  _ sad,  _ and no duh, he doesn’t like the feeling. He’d felt exactly this way for way too long and when it comes out like this, in big bursts of anxiety fueled emotion, it sucks especially since he’s not alone.

Wiggling his head into the crook of Dave’s neck, Karkat tries to imagine that by touching him, it’s going to chase the tears away, chase the bad thoughts and every other emotion that was coming out of him way too fast. He doesn’t stop to think about how horrible that is to think that way, to rely on someone in such a selfish way, but at this very moment, he doesn’t care at all. It’s not important.

“You okay?” Dave whispers, his arms tightening around Karkat gently.

Karkat makes a noise he hopes resembles a “yes,” but he’s not quite sure what kind of noise it was exactly. In response to his noise, Dave leans his head into Karkat’s hair, his hand rubbing absently against Karkat’s arm. Very slowly, Karkat tightens his fingers around Dave’s shirt, slightly scraping past his skin in the process, so of course Dave feels the growing tension within Karkat’s fingers.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Dave asks, pulling his head back a little to look at Karkat.

“I just wanna… cuddle,” Karkat whispers, adjusting his grip on the back of Dave’s shirt. “For awhile. If that’s… okay…”

Dave hesitates, but ends up nodding, returning his body to press it against Karkat’s. He sighs gently, which just makes Karkat inhale shakily, hoping Dave doesn’t ask him again. What would he do if he starts crying or something equally as stupid? He’d already cried in front of him once, which was definitely fucking ridiculous. 

_ Boys aren’t supposed to cry,  _ Karkat repeats again and again in his mind.  _ Boys aren’t supposed to cry. Don’t you motherfucking cry. _

Dave moves his head and arms at the same time, further enveloping Karkat with his body. The sensation that comes with it, of Dave’s hands sliding over Karkat’s arms and down his back, makes Karkat let out something between a silent sob and a gasp. The weird breath makes no noise, but it was something that was felt rather than heard.

In reply, Dave moves one hand to weave through Karkat’s hair, the sound of his breathing becoming a little louder as he adjusts his body a little. One hand leaves Karkat’s shoulder for a moment, and returns half a second later with a blanket to place around them both. 

Minutes pass, too long to keep track. Karkat was just trying to slow his breathing the entire time, and doesn’t realize until a really long time how tightly his nails are digging into Dave’s back.

“Sorry--” Karkat says quickly, unlatching his fingers and unintentionally pushing himself away from Dave. 

He sits up quickly, arms tightening around his body. He flinches hard when Dave touches his back, shutting his eyes tightly at the same moment. His heart is racing again, it feels like he can’t fucking  _ breathe,  _ especially with how loud it is, how tight and small the room suddenly becomes.

It lasts another minute, maybe two. When he finally stops, when his breathing becomes something that resembles  _ normal,  _ his eyes finally look up a little. 

In front of him, Dave sits, in his hand, a glass of water. He’d been talking, Karkat realizes suddenly, telling Karkat to breathe. 

“I knew you weren’t okay,” Dave whispers, slowly moving the water towards Karkat, so he knows to take it. 

As Karkat takes little sips of water, he finds his fingers having fallen into Dave’s hand. Once he realizes this, he tightens his fingers into Dave’s, and stares down at them for a few seconds.

“Have you ever had a panic attack before?” Dave asks, in the silence. 

Karkat shakes his head just twice, back and forth.

“Not like that,” Karkat murmurs, fully recognizing how exhausted he feels. It hits him all at once, the weight of energy leaving his bones.

“What were you thinking about before it?” Dave whispers back, just as gently. “Was it me touching you, or--”

“No,” Karkat shakes his head, interrupting fast so Dave doesn’t get upset.

“Then, what?”

“School, college, the future,” Karkat answers, shaking his head as he tightens his hand in Dave’s. He frowns hard, the exhaustion making it easy for his tear ducts to tell him to go fuck himself, and start letting out little angry tears that quickly drip down his cheeks. 

“ _ Fuck,”  _ Karkat breathes, pulling his hand away from Dave’s to swipe them across his cheeks, brushing the liquid away.

He can’t escape from Dave’s eyes, he can’t hide now. There’s no where he can run to, no other room and no where he can shut the door on this conversation. Dave actually  _ cares,  _ and despite an anxiety fueled brain, Karkat knows that.

Karkat pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them, gently resting his chin on the tops of his knees. The cup was empty, so he lets it fall onto the sheets. Karkat can’t help but look away from Dave, partially hidden by one arm, still crying a little. 

“Are you scared of the future?” Dave asks, but before Karkat can reply, Dave answers his own question. “I think I am.”

Karkat twitches his gaze back at Dave, unsure if he should speak. His chest feels heavy, like his heart became a rock and dropped into his stomach.

“I don’t feel ready for it,” Dave admits, continuing almost as if Karkat wasn’t there, as if he were talking to himself. “I don’t know anything about… anything. I feel like high school hasn’t taught me anything and I haven’t had a job yet, I don’t know what the real world is like.”

Dave frowns down at the bedsheets for a few seconds, his eyes getting thoughtful, a little worried, a little confused. All these emotions cross his face in a few seconds, but he does look up after it falls on something like  _ worry,  _ however much deeper. Karkat watches the gears turn in Dave’s mind as they watch each other for a few more seconds.

“It makes me feel a lot better that you’re worried about the future, too,” Dave admits, but his eyebrows tilt up, eyes becoming more sad. “But… but you’re allowed to cry, okay? And be sad and anxious and shit… If you need to talk I’m here for you, and I want to help you when I can.”

Karkat can’t stop himself from nodding, reaching a hand out once again to grip Dave’s fingers tightly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My bad week is coming to an end I think, so next chapter will be up in a few days/next weekend and it will be happier (probably)


	19. Stuff Like This Happens Sometimes

Dave lay in bed, thinking about Karkat. Nights were often spent like this, just thinking about him. It was easy to fall into the trap.

Closing his eyes, all warm and cozy, his mind starts to wander, and _bam!_ Karkat comes to mind at once. It wasn’t even _sexual,_ it was just little things, remembering stuff Dave wanted to tell him, or things that had happened that day or just Karkat in general. The idea of him, and Karkat as a person.

Dave can almost feel himself falling asleep thinking about hugging Karkat when he hears his phone buzz twice.

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  at 00:45 -- 

 

CG: ARE YOU AWAKE? 

TG: maybe

TG: whos askin

CG: VERY FUNNY.

TG: im always awake for you

TG: whats up

CG: I COULDN’T SLEEP. I CAN’T STOP THINKING.

TG: about what

CG: LIKE

CG: JUST 

CG: THE FUTURE.

CG: IT’S VERY BIG AND FAR AWAY AND IT SCARES ME A LOT. I DON’T LIKE IT.

TG: same here

TG: i get that whole

TG: ‘wide expanse of the future’ thing. it kinda sucks a lot

TG: were just kids but like

TG: theres so much here for us. so much at our finger tips

CG: YEAH. 

TG: is there something else bothering you

TG: like

TG: specifically about the future

CG: WELL. I DON’T KNOW, I GUESS.

CG: ABOUT US.

CG: SPECIFICALLY.

TG: ... 

TG: what about us

TG: like

TG: if well stay together after high school

CG: YEAH. 

TG: well uh

TG: weve only been dating three months

TG: um

TG: i dont know. do you wanna break up?

TG: cuz if you dont then we dont

TG: right?

TG: ...

TG: … right?

TG: karkat please respond

TG: please

CG: I’M SORRY.

CG: I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW I’M FEELING. I’M REALLY CONFUSED. 

TG: can i come see you?

TG: like right now

TG: i dont like doing this over messenger

TG: and text can get misleading

TG: i want to be clear

TG: and

TG: please can i come see you?

CG: OKAY.

 

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 01:34 -- 

 

Dave stares at his phone for a moment before surging into action. Panic filling him and making him move, Dave pushes his blankets off of him and jumps to his feet. In one swift motion he pulls pants on, socks, jacket, hat, and then his boots as he reaches the front door. No need to worry about Bro, he’s still absent, so there was literally no time to waste.

He hardly feels the chill in the air, the tangy smell of the cold, and approaching snow. The ground already had frost covering it, a slight bit of ice from an earlier rain, but now that the sun went down, puddles were frozen solid dotting the sidewalk and road.

Keeping his eyes face front, Dave keeps walking. His hands are shaking with nerves, with fear, all the while wondering, _is this the end?_ Only one step in front of the other, again, again, again. Even his dizziness couldn't bother him right now, if a particular burst of dizziness decided to rise up at the moment, Dave isn't sure he would faint, even if he sways. The only thing on his mind was getting to Karkat.

His heart hammers in his chest, even louder when he approaches Karkat’s apartment building and sees him standing there, leaning against the brick wall.

“Hey,” Dave breathes when he finally reaches him.

In response, Karkat simply straightens his back and looks up at him. A scared emotion fills his eyes, but something tells Dave he’s not here to argue. Something he rarely decided not to do: Karkat doesn’t want to yell, he doesn’t want to fight, he’s not going to swear and jump to conclusions and cause more problems or cry… he wants to tell Dave in person. He’s not confused at all. He knows exactly what he wants.

“I’m sorry,” Karkat mumbles, eyes leaving Dave’s and turning towards the floor.

“‘sokay,” Dave whispers, shoulders deflating.

“I want to--”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Dave interrupts. He cares too much about Karkat to let him make empty promises. “College is hard and it’s not right for us to try and make something work if we know it’s not going to.”

Karkat doesn’t say anything, but Dave can see his hands balled at his sides, and his cheeks turning red, either with cold or anger, Dave isn’t sure. Maybe a little bit of both, Dave decides.

“We can still be friends,” Dave offers, in the silence. “Nothing will change, not if you don’t want it to. Or if you do, you know, I’m okay with it.” Dave shrugs a little. “We can still talk. If you want to.”

Silence answers him once more. It was difficult to just stand there and watch as Karkat stays silent. No words leave him, no bursts of anger, nothing at all. Merely silence.

“I’m pretty cold, I’m gonna… walk back. If that’s alright with you,” Dave says it kind of softly, hesitating a bit before slightly turning his body. He was waiting for Karkat to stop him, to say he changed his mind.

It doesn’t come.

Dave nods, finally turning and going back the way he’d come. Maybe one day Karkat would talk to him again, or tell him something without Dave beating him to the punch.

On the way back, Dave starts to smile, and then, a rumbling laugh leaves his chest to abruptly that he has to stop and wipe a tear away from his eye.

The suddenness of the breakup, the suddenness of them getting together in the first place, all of it, so fast. Time passed too fast to even recognize what had happened. There was no room to change, no point where either of them could have said “I changed because of this relationship.” There was even no time to _do_ anything, the most they’d done is kissed. He cares so much about Karkat, almost as if they were from a different era, they'd known each other in another life. He felt so comfortable with Karkat, enough to tell him secrets he dare not tell a soul, and the ease in knowing exactly what he'd been thinking came to each other faster than even Jake and Bro sometimes.

Thinking of all of it, Dave can’t stop laughing. He just laughed and laughed, all the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt the end. fyi. much to go.


	20. Home Is When We're Together

Karkat couldn’t stop crying.

He lay in bed for twenty minutes, sniffling and rubbing his eyes and cheeks, until he heard the sound of Gamzee next door. As he usually did, Gamzee woke up in the middle of the night, and began his ritual of pacing and mumbling under his breath.

Not wanting to be alone, Karkat pushes himself from his bed and goes into the hall to knock on Gamzee’s door. He stands there for three seconds trying to stop himself from crying before Gamzee can open it, but he doesn’t stop in time. 

The door opens, and of course, Gamzee doesn’t ask any questions. He places his hand on Karkat’s shoulder, pulling him inside and to the bed.

“Dave and I broke up,” Karkat manages after a minute or two, tears finally ceasing as he lets the words out. “And I thought… I thought it would be best because of college. I just--I’m so sad…”

Gamzee reaches out and squeezes his shoulder, nodding gently.

“He was so  _ understanding,”  _ Karkat continues, wiping snot from his nose with the back of his hand. “He wouldn’t even let me talk, he just  _ knew,  _ like he was in my head or something.”

Gamzee nods again. 

Karkat doesn’t mind his silence, and throughout the night he just keeps repeating the same things over and over again, only paraphrasing it and altering the words slightly each time. The night was spent talking, mostly from Karkat, and mostly swearing and angry at Dave for being so kind. It was difficult not to be angry, but also hard not to care more about him and regret the decision all the more.

Over and over, Karkat has to remind himself that college is nearing, and everything is going to change very soon. There was only so much time left, and that meant more stress, especially now that he would have to get a job, and… and he was turning 18 soon.

That was an entirely different issue altogether. Turning 18 meant he would be aged out of the system. He’d have to get an apartment for himself, right? A legitimate job and a stable one at that. Would he even be able to go to college with that kind of money? A minimum wage job… definitely not. He’d have to get scholarships. He’ll have to research it later…

“You went quiet,” Gamzee whispers, voice husky with sleep.

Karkat had been complaining for hours, no doubt the sudden silence nearly made Gamzee fall asleep.

“I just have so much to worry about, I’m not sure why breaking up with Dave is causing me so much stress,” Karkat shakes his head gently, turning his head down at his knees. “I have to get a job, and I’m turning 18, and school, and then college…” Karkat crosses his arms over his chest. “I guess I just don’t want to think about anything anymore. But I can’t sleep.”

“If it makes you feel better you can sleep on my floor,” Gamzee offers, kind of quietly.

“You’d be okay with that?”

Gamzee nods, and Karkat is too happy to ask him again.

Karkat quickly retrieves his blankets and pillows, making a nest on the floor in a relatively cleared space on the carpet. He could feel himself getting more tired, now that he’d talked himself out, and now he was relying on emotional exhaustion to bring him to sleep.

It happens more quickly that he thinks it will, but just as fast he’s being woken up by Greg, telling him that he’s going to be late for school.

Mumbling a reply, Karkat gets to his feet, trying to move past Greg to leave the room, but unfortunately he doesn’t get the chance. Greg grabs Karkat’s arm to stop him, and takes hold of his face to look at, especially staring at his eyes, which were no doubt swollen and red from crying.

“You alright?” Greg asks, his voice less,  _ get the fuck out of bed,  _ and more,  _ oh no, sad kid on my hands.  _ His hands drop, waiting for Karkat to reply to his question.

Karkat nods, but can’t help hesitating a little. Greg makes a face in reply, telling Karkat that he does not at all believe his lie.

“Dave and I broke up,” Karkat says softly.

“I’m sorry,” Greg says sincerely, hand moving to Karkat’s shoulder to give a small squeeze.

Karkat shrugs, pulling away to move to the bathroom in order to get ready for the day in front of him. For a long time, all he can do is just stare at himself in the mirror. 

Despite being in the foster system, one thing is pretty much always guaranteed a constant: having a mirror. Beds can be questionable, doors as well, even windows at times, but mirrors? Mirrors were almost always going to be there. Scratched, broken, old, small, whatever you name it, it was usually there.

He’d been able to see himself grow up over the years due to this one constant in his life. Beaten up, bruised, red faced from crying, sick, ready to vomit… he’d seen so many expressions on his face, so many places he’d been and yet… he’d never had a reason quite like this to be crying. It was almost refreshing.

There has never been a moment quite like this, where nothing else had happened but a breakup. Sure, he hadn’t been in any other relationship before, but then again, he’d never had the opportunity. It was nice, but of course, still heartbreaking to remember why he was sad.

At school he took care to come in late. To miss lunch. To avoid all the places where he knew Dave would be. 

Dave said they could still be friends, but Karkat isn’t sure he wants that. Would it be weird? To be friends with someone he’d dated? All he would want to do is kiss Dave, to cuddle, hold his hand, but… friends don’t do that kind of stuff. If that was the case, then, Karkat would avoid him at all costs, in order not to spark temptation. 

Finally,  _ finally,  _ it was the end of the day, and he could walk home, but… Dave and Karkat live just a couple blocks away from each other. That wouldn’t work.

Hiding in the bathroom it is!

Karkat waits, holed up in a stall, waiting for the thirty minutes to pass. He doesn’t want to end up walking behind Dave, and have him turn around and see him walking there. Nor does Karkat want to deal with walking side by side with Dave. Or even a few feet in front of or behind. Too many awkward encounters that Karkat  _ does not  _ want to deal with.

_ Is this my life now?  _ Karkat wonders,  _ Hiding from my ex-boyfriend in a bathroom after the school day has ended? _

Shakily letting out a breath of air, Karkat reaches for the door to pull it open. Just as he does so, the door opens with a bang, voices carrying with the sound, at least five bodies coming into the room. Karkat tries to ignore them, to keep his head tilted at the ground and walk towards the door, but they don’t allow him that.

A hand grabs the back of his shirt, and pulls him back into the main room in between the stalls and the sink, on the the other side of the urinals. The force of being pulled roughly backwards makes Karkat stumble a little and walk into the guy that pulled him. Laughing responds to his misstep.

He doesn’t fully understand what they’re saying.

His body doesn’t even fully register the hits until he’s on the floor, and the laughing leaves him just as fast.

Hot tears fill his eyes with the sting of pain erupting around his nose and the side of his cheek. Laughs echo in his mind and fill his head with pain, more than just the physical injuries he had received. A gasp of pain leaves his mouth, a hand balling up into his hair as he feels the stress piling on.

Words fill his mind, a memory, someone telling him to breathe. Again, and again, and again, until finally Karkat remembers how. 

It was Dave, the voice the memory belonged to. 

Karkat looks up, wishing that Dave was actually sitting there in front of him, telling him that he was here for Karkat and he was alright. But Dave wasn’t here, because Karkat had done the Worst Thing Ever™ and ruined everything between them. 

_ I can’t fix this,  _ Karkat begins to realize as he shakily rises on two feet.  _ Nothing can fix this.  _

Those thoughts keep repeating in his head as he walks home-- or, rather, the apartment he was living in for the time being. Who knows where he would go after he turns 18? Who knows what he would do and how he would even survive in the real world. 

_ I can’t do anything right,  _ Karkat piles on the angst, tears filling his eyes again, now from sadness and combining with the pain and everything else. There was  _ so much,  _ so much pain filling his chest and all he wants to do is scream and hit something. No amount of breathing exercises could stop this. He was too far into his panic now to even stop it.

He does his best to swipe at his cheeks when he finally reaches the door, doing his best to stop his quiet sobs. He can hear Greg inside,  _ god fucking hell,  _ he could hear Eliza, too. Gamzee would be there at the table as well, watching them talk but  _ not actually talking,  _ because he doesn’t do that to them really. Only mumbles sometimes.

_ I wish it was just Gamzee and no one else,  _ Karkat thinks, starting to pat his pockets for his key. 

“Shitdicking grubfucking…” Karkat mutters under his breath, remembering at once that he left his key on his bed. It wasn’t the first time, but now he can’t even  _ try  _ to sneak past them.

He knocks gently, only half hoping no one answers.

To his luck, Eliza answers. Her jaw pretty nearly hits the floor.

“I forgot my key,” Karkat explains, unsure of how he looks, and especially how much blood is on his face. He’s sure it’s pretty extreme, not to mention completely weird looking with tear streaks through what blood was there.

“What happened?” Eliza asks, breathless. She grabs his arm, well, the fabric of his shirt, and pulls him inside. 

Karkat clams up, unsure of where to begin, but also, her question had about a thousand answers. He knows she wants to hear about the whole, nearly-black-eye-and-bloody-face thing, but also there was about a million more things he could talk about and… he doesn’t really want to start, because he isn’t sure if he’ll be able to stop.

Eliza makes him sit at the counter, thankfully next to Gamzee. Immediately, Karkat sets his arms down on the counter, setting his face inside of them to partly hide his bloody nose.

“Is it because of…” Gamzee leans in, whispering closer as Eliza leaves for the first aid kit. “The thing that happened last time, when those guys…”

Karkat had told him, duh, of course he had, he knew Gamzee wouldn’t say anything. But now, it had come back to bite him in the ass. And another thing: it was dead silent, so both Greg and Eliza heard. Since Gamzee was being so vague about the details, Eliza turns right around again on a dime, eyes wider than ever with the first aid kit in her hands.

“What thing? What guys?” Eliza practically barks. The anger in her voice just makes Karkat not want to say anything all the more, and closes his eyes as tears start to drip again.

“Some guys at school pushed Karkat around because he’s gay,” Gamzee explains, knowing Karkat wouldn’t.

Eliza gasps softly, her feet starting towards Karkat again as if to comfort him, or something. Karkat doesn’t wait long enough to find out, jumping to his feet so he can leave the room.

“Karkat, wait,” Greg says, a new kind of panic in his voice that Karkat had never heard before. 

“Why?” Karkat explodes, turning again towards them. “Why? Why the fuck do you care? Why do you care about some stupid looking gay kid who lives with you? You get paid to let me sleep here, I don’t fucking get why you think you care about me so much!”

“Karkat, honey--” Eliza starts, setting the kit down on the table. 

“I don’t want to hear your story! I’ve heard it a million times before: you want to help the less fortunate, you want to provide for the kids who had shitty terrible experiences, who got tossed around, who don’t know what toilets are--I  _ don’t give two shits _ about what you think you’re giving me when I  _ know  _ you don’t care about me!” 

His clenched fists are shaking at his sides, and he can feel his face burning, his eyes as well. There was  _ so much here, _ so much in his head that he needed to get out.

“Please tell him,” Gamzee speaks up, and Karkat turns to glare at him, who was only looking at Greg and Eliza. 

They glance at each other and smile a little bit, albeit sadly, a little like,  _ cat’s out of the bag now,  _ as stupid as Karkat hated to admit. He  _ knows  _ that look. It was like a secret they shared with each other, and now were deciding to let out into the world.

“Karkat, we…” Eliza starts, hiding a smile before it starts. “We were talking about it and we all agree that… we want to adopt you.” She starts smiling a little more now, now that she’d said it. “We know that you’re turning 18 soon, but that doesn’t change our minds at all. We do care about you, and we want what’s best for you.”

Karkat blinks quickly, feeling new tears fill his eyes. Gamzee is the first to catapult to his feet and wrap him up in a hug, pulling him tightly against Gamzee’s chest. At first Karkat can’t hug him back, too surprised by the touch, and also realizing how good it felt to be hugged right then. More arms wrap around them, until they’re both enveloped into a big squished sandwich of people… his new family. 

_ I have a home,  _ Karkat thinks, smiling as his tears finally fade away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if i killed all of you. 2 more chapters to go. making a sequel as well.


	21. Best Left Unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to upload all the chapters at once cuz like i hate making you all wait. i feel like uh, one day is enough? ha. one more to go before i start posting the sequel.

Dave looks down at the acceptance letter in his hands, and wonders why he isn’t happy about it. It was one of three schools he applied to, in which he got into all of them. The letter in his fingers, it came from his first choice. He should be happy, and on some level he is, but… there’s more to it, and definitely way more bugging him than normal.

Bro came home after a particularly long time away, nearly three months this time, which he hardly does anymore. He’s been excited for Dave, telling him “Congrats, little man!” with a big smile on his face, even calling Jake to tell him the news of his various acceptances. It was nice to hear his two favorite people congratulating him and seeing them so happy, but Dave doesn’t feel happy himself. He was… Was the word hollow? Numb? He isn’t sure. 

School isn’t over yet, there’s still a few months to go. But. Another thing. Dave hasn’t seen Karkat in nearly as long as they haven’t been together. He feels like it shouldn’t bother him that he hasn’t seen Karkat, but he knows that he’s not that heartless, and lets it bother him anyway. Not seeing Karkat,  _ knowing  _ that they weren’t together, knowing that he probably doesn’t deserve to know what happened to him…

_ Fuck that,  _ Dave sighs, frowning down at the paper, nearly being crushed in his fingers.  _ We broke up, and then he was gone. _

He vaguely recalls seeing Karkat the day after they broke up, but after that, he stopped coming to school. Of course, everyone immediately turned to Dave to ask what had happened. It was at lunch, after Karkat had been gone for a week.

“Hey, what’s Karkat been up to? He hasn’t been in school in awhile,” John said, leaning into his turkey sandwich.

“I don’t know,” Dave shrugged, unsure of what else to say or do.

“What do you mean you don’t know, you’re his boyfriend,” Terezi had snorted back. That struck Dave as strange, he would have thought Karkat would have at least told Terezi a thing or two about what happens in his life. Apparently not.

“We broke up,” Dave replied, glad he was wearing his shades, not for the first time.

“What?” At least three people said at once. 

Dave can still see their faces, all wide and surprised, and he could hear the sound of utter shock in their voices. It hurt his heart to remember that, but even more so knowing it had been two months and he had no idea what happened to Karkat.

There were rumors that his foster parents came for his transcript, because he was being transferred somewhere else. 

Dave is sure that Karkat is being fostered somewhere else now, and that’s what happened to him. He got sent away, or maybe he knew he was going to be, and that’s why he wanted to break up, maybe to save Dave the heartache?

His hands drop into his lap, the letter falling from his fingers to lay on his sheets. Dave drops his head a little, frowning down at the shape of his fingers as they start to get blurry, and the colors smear together.

He’s almost vaguely aware of the sound of a knock at his door, and doesn’t bother opening his eyes when he realizes he’d fainted.

“Hey,” a soft voice whispers, and again when Bro gets closer.

“Hm?” Dave asks, blinking a few times, and turning his head to look at him.

“Want something to eat? It’s nearly dinnertime,” Bro smiles a little. 

“Not hungry,” Dave replies, turning his head back at his lap. 

“You’re always hungry, what’s up?”

Bro walks over to Dave’s bed and climbs onto it, the first time he’d done so in years. He rarely even came into Dave’s room unless he’d fainted (hey, like now) or if he needed something in there. Sometimes Dave likes to tell himself that Bro doesn’t care, and that’s why he leaves, but at moments like this it makes him realize Bro actually does love him.

“People keep leaving me,” Dave whispers, blinking back tears.

“Hm?” Bro asks, obviously confused. “Is this about me? I’m sorry, I--”

“No,” Dave shakes his head. “You’re the only one that always comes back.” Dave fights back his tears, and takes a deep breath to help calm himself down. “Jake leaves all the time, he doesn’t even live with us. And I know all my friends can leave whenever they want. And Karkat broke up with me and then disappeared into thin air, and I don’t even  _ know  _ what happened to him--”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Bro interrupts. “What’s this about Karkat?”

“He hasn’t been in school in two months and I haven’t heard anything from him,” Dave whispers, sort of mumbling unintentionally. “We broke up but that was a day before he left… And everyone always leaves. That’s my point and that’s why I’m not hungry.”

“Dave,” Bro sighs, “why didn’t you call me? I would’ve come home, you shouldn’t be alone after something like that.” He reaches out and squeezes Dave’s shoulder, a comforting little squeeze that once again reminds Dave that he does care, despite the next thing Dave says.

“You never answer your phone when I call,” Dave whispers. “But I knew you were coming back, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Bro sighs. “I’ve left you alone so many times, I didn’t realize how it was hurting you.”

“It’s fine--”

“Dave.” Bro interrupts again, getting angry. “It’s not okay. I shouldn’t leave you alone so much, you’re just a kid… I’m really, really sorry.”

Dave, unsure of what to say, just nods slightly. 

“I really want Jake to move in with us, but his work is far away. I don’t want to cause him trouble.” Bro smiles a little bashfully, something that was rare, but never when talking about Jake. He was the only thing besides Dave that Bro is open about loving.

“He’d move because he loves you,” Dave replies.

“Then maybe I’ll ask him,” Bro smiles, but it fades after another second. “Maybe… Karkat was scared of growing up. You said he’s never had a boyfriend before?”

Dave shakes his head.

“Maybe you should try messaging him when he comes online,” Bro offers. “You can see how he’s doing and figure out what’s going on.”

Dave shrugs a little, but he knows that Karkat probably won’t come online. He hadn’t in the last two months, and he probably wouldn’t start now. 

Maybe he was happy, and he doesn’t want to dwell on the past. Maybe he’s living far away and he’s going to college and everything is fine. Maybe. Maybe everything is fine, and Dave shouldn’t worry anymore. Maybe it’s no use worrying. Maybe it’s not important to think about Karkat anymore.

Maybe it would be best if Dave stopped thinking about Karkat. That would definitely be a good idea, since Karkat doesn't seem to care about him at all.


	22. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this from my phone. Hope it looks okay.

A new adventure awaited Karkat. He’d graduated high school, got decent scores on his SATs and yes, he’d gotten a job this past summer. Now, he had college to look forward to.

The campus wasn’t big, and everyone seems to friendly. Already he could tell that he would love his classes, sure, mostly pre-reqs and the basic core requirements that all freshmen would have, but… it seems alright. He has breaks in his schedule, time to eat and time to sleep as long as he usually does, and so much here for him.

He’s okay being away from Gamzee, and away from Greg and Eliza. They said they’d visit when they could, after all the school was only 2.5 hours away from home.

He never got tired of saying that, of thinking it.  _ Home.  _ It was such a nice word.

Now, Karkat would have to look forward to a new home, that is, his school and his dorm and new friends.

The first day, after checking in and getting his dorm all set up, there were introductions and lectures everyone had to go to. It was  _ extremely  _ boring, mostly because it was about things he already knew: fire procedures, what not to do at parties, what happens if someone has alcohol poisoning, etc etc etc… Sure, it beats going to class or something, but then again, Karkat knows he would prefer doing anything other than hearing the same thing repeated over and over again in different ways.

As he left the theater, in a swarm of people… for a moment, he thinks he sees someone in the crowd. Being as short as he was, it was hard to tell if it was who he thought it was. It was a flash, a brief second where he thinks he recognizes a blonde head of hair. 

Just as soon as he sees it, it’s gone, disappearing again into the crowd. 

_ I’m just seeing things, it can’t be him,  _ Karkat decides, shaking his head.  _ There’s no way Dave would pick a school like this. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. -John Lennon


End file.
